Recurrence of Infidelity Dreams
As awful as my husband was acting, we were still there for each other when it came to things like financial woes, planning for the future, deaths in the family (he lost his stepfather and father to cancer between 2004-2007), child rearing, etc. And, we did have a sex life...during the Summer '07 a practical fest because the children were visiting my family in Michigan. Not everyday was spent walking on eggshells. Even through the tough years we still did family things in and out of the home. I started going to the beach for walks, though I refused to wear a swimsuit, and we still took Ryan and Nicole to the park, mall and on weekend camping trips. I even went to one of my hubby's company Christmas parties. Lee and I still had a lot in common that brought laughter to the home, especially when it came to his humorous personality and watching our favorite comedy, Seinfeld, together. Still, when it came to specifics about us, in the here and now, we didn't talk about our marital problems. Oh, I'd put my foot down over his outlandish behavior and he'd typically work on it for a month or so before needing a reminder, but we didn't go deep into speaking about our problems.
Still in the depths of my self-created esteem problems, I began having dreams of Lee having affairs with faceless women. They were so 'real' that I would wake up and look at my husband with hateful eyes, wanting to pummel him with my fists. They were always the same and occurred almost weekly; him leaving me with another woman while laughing as I called after him crying. Also a factor was the ordeal at the gig, trust was already on shaky grounds but made worse and I grew even more uncomfortable with him going out but since he didn't ask often, I reluctantly gave in.
So, there were we were, still a family, still a husband and wife. I just figured we were normal for a couple married for over fifteen years. But, an email discovery on October 2008 was the beginning to the most excruciatingly painful time in our marriage....one that by far outweighed the Cuba affair.
'David J' and His Troll Wife from Michigan
My dad came down to visit from Michigan and was staying in my mother-in-law's guest room; she moved from Virginia earlier that year to be closer to us. Several days later Ryan and Nicole spent the night and had a blast playing cards and going out to eat with their grandparents. Lee and I used the opportunity to chill out and have a much needed date night. That crisp, cool and sunny Sunday morning we woke up in each others arms and made love. All of our problems seemed to just disappear. We were smiling and happy, goofing around like the "olden days". After lying there for awhile we got up and Lee broke out study materials he needed to brush up on for his Captain license upgrade and I went to the store to buy food for breakfast. I came home, put the groceries away, and told Lee I was going to check on an email I was expecting regarding home schooling before cooking. I clicked on the browser icon, clicked on Yahoo! mail and was set to sign in when I noticed the name 'David J'. David J? Who the hell is David J and why is this man showing logged in from Yahoo! on my computer?
Curiosity got the better of me because I thought someone hacked into my computer and I wanted to know who it was. I clicked the view mail icon and started scanning subject titles in the inbox. There were a ton of Craiglist titles and I started seeing the words guitar and stratocaster. "No, it couldn't be? Could it? Was David J my husband? No, surely it's just a coincidence." But it wasn't. My heart began racing and even more so when words like naughty, nasty and sex came before my eyes. Shaking, I clicked through to the next page and saw tons of emails from a woman named Karen. I didn't call for Lee, instead I started opening the emails and I started with those from and to Karen: "I hate my job, it's so stressful and to top it off I have to live with my troll wife from Michigan....Love, Lee." There it was in black in white, my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman who lived in another state online. The last email from her was saying she couldn't continue the emails because she loves her husband and she was sorry she ever started. That didn't relieve me though. I began reading through the Craigslist Personals emails and read my husband inquiring about how to go about having a threesome (it was the most recent one) without getting caught and the rest were sexually explicit...in them he trashed my body, very descriptively, and complained to numerous strangers that I was terrible in bed. Mortified, I went to confront Lee.
All he could do was sit there when I came storming out from the bedroom screaming and hollering and crying uncontrollably. After he gathered his marbles he tried denying the emails, until I made him get up and look. I could tell he was ashamed and embarrassed. The guilt on his face was evident and the next words out of his mouth were, "I am so, very, very sorry. I'm a different person online and I meant none of those horrible and disrespectful things I wrote."