A Cure For Our Suffering Sex Life

Before sharing this post, it's important for me to mention it was hubby's idea to share this bedroom business because it may help someone. Sex is extremely important in marriage, yet I believe it's more important to most men, which is why he suggested I share.

During our season of storms, sex was a major issue. Actually, it probably caused a few of the storms. Women are emotional responders and it is very difficult to respond sexually when we don't feel loved - I am definitely NOT an exception to this.

When a couple isn't having sex, MAJOR problems on top of the pre-existing problems arise. Communication suffers and needs go unmet. Physical needs are everything to men (most men), which is why adultery, pornography, office affairs, crushes, and other sexual misconducts birth. Sex is like medicine to men - they gotta have it. I don't know about your man, but MY man has pms-like symptoms when he hasn't had his medicine - irritability, mood swings, etc...Good grief!

Hubby may have thought he was doing all the right things outside of the bedroom, but he wasn't speaking my love language, therefore, I did not respond to his sexual advances. Excuse me? Are you serious? I was disgusted at the thought he wanted to make love and our marriage was crumbling. I wanted to communicate and he wanted to screw make love. Well, after a few talk to the back nights, hubby stopped making advances and waited for me to make a move. Ha! I love using the term "blue balled baboon" because it leaves no doubt in what I'm trying to convey.

When I mentally separated myself from hubby, I was gone...in every way - including sexually. I didn't see any reason to be intimate. It just didn't make sense to me. Let's get things right first and then we can make up. Hubby was quite the opposite. He was actually waiting for me to roll over and make mad love to him. You've GOT to be kidding me.

We talked a lot about these sexually struggling days for him us and how he thought something was seriously wrong with our marriage because we weren't having sex. See how differently men and women think? I'm thinking we're already broken, but in hubby's eyes, we weren't broken until we stopped being intimate. Well, no wonder we weren't getting anywhere!

This went on for a long time until hubby couldn't handle the blue balls cold nights anymore. He asked me what the problem was. Uh...I don't have a problem, I'm fine! Sex was the bottom line. Sex wasn't happening, so we weren't happening.

For those of you who can continue to be intimate in the midst of a storm, I tip my hat off to you. I'm still not there, but hubby came up with a solution that works for us.

The root of our problem was my lack of initiation for sex. You know what, If I'm not feeling you all day, I'm sure not going to feel on you at night.

Hubby literally put the ball in my court (no pun intended). His humility in the bedroom and laying his ego aside has changed the atmosphere in our bedroom forever. He literally waits for me with no pressure, no demands, or Biblical reference about my body belonging to him. Because of his humble change, I changed and now...Sweet Hubby can have it anytime he wants it!!

This is what marriage is about - togetherness - harmony - compromise. We miss these things with our programmed expectations of the husband/wife roles. If men would just get a little lower and stop trying to control and expect the wife to 'serve' you, she'll serve all day long because she desires to show her love to you - in every way - especially the bedroom.

But noooo, men want to be Tarzan and swing their egos and muscles from tree to tree all day long and expect Jane to like it and perform in bed at night.

Not in this house - not anymore.

Mentally Leaving My Husband

Once I realized I really loved my husband and wanted to work on our marriage, I had to mentally divorce separate myself from hubby and concentrate on me. I turned him into a little god by focusing so much on him. Everything he did was analyzed and picked apart in my mind. It was difficult, but every time I thought of hubby, I forced myself and prayed to think of something else.

Through this process, I realized I had lost myself in the marriage. I expected hubby to make me happy, which was a big no-no. My mother told me before I got married to not expect my husband to make me happy, but obviously I didn't listen. Needless to say, it was time for me to reprogram myself without hubby. Although we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed, we were separate, and in my mind, I moved on.

This was a time of self reflection - a time to search myself and my heart - a time to fall in love with my first love - my Heavenly Father. Since I believed Jesus held the key to my marriage, it was Him I needed to focus on and booooy did He tell me a few things about myself.

I thought I was the holy more spiritually mature one in the marriage. Ha! God showed me I was nothing but a Bible quoting, pompous praising, wicked wife. Excuse me, God? Me? Oooooouch! You huuuurt me!

Yep, I was judging, pointing, and criticizing instead of accepting, uplifting, and encouraging my husband. Hubby once called me a hypocrite, and instead of listening to him, I prayed for him because I was convinced he was crazy just bitter.

Needless to say, the mental separation was healing for our marriage because it began a change in me. I saw myself for who I really was and not who I thought I was. This was a mind blowing experience for me and life changing for our marriage.

No wonder so many husbands stray (physically or mentally) from wives that appear to be sweet, Christian women. Sometimes we can be so heavenly we are no earthly good and I'm sure I was no earthly good in bed during these trying times in our marriage.

Coming Next - A Suffering Sex Life

Trash Thoughts About My Spouse

Before you develop a deep bitterness towards your mate, take some time and think about the good times, the good traits, and the loving moments you've shared with your spouse. You might have to go waaaaaay back, but those 'good times' are there. Your struggling season hasn't lasted the entire marriage.....has it?

Our thoughts dictate our actions, which is the reason for thinking 'good things' about your spouse and marriage during a storm. This was my downfall because I continually fed myself trash thoughts about hubby until I realized I was making myself sick - literally. There was NOTHING good about him (in my mind), so I had to change my thoughts. This took prayer

Low and behold, the man I married began to appear (in my mind). Thoughts of him and our dating years brought smiles to my face. I was so happy to become his wife. It was only during these pleasant thoughts that I realized I wanted to remain married to hubby. I must mention, we were both at fault in letting the marriage circle the drain. I definitely did my share

Although he already said it was over, in my mind I was thinking the opposite. Yeah, that's what you think.

My second step was to remove any expectations I had of him doing anything constructive to make the marriage work. Removing expectations didn't make things easier, but it helped deal with rejection to my kind gestures. The rejections to spending time together, having simple conversation, or even cooking a nice meal. Hubby didn't want me to do anything for him. Fine with me!

It was during the times of rejections that I had to really depend on God's promises. I also realized this wasn't my marriage to walk out on - the marriage belonged to God from the beginning, so neither of us had any right to call the shots. This was a relief to me It was a relief because I knew it wasn't over until The Owner closed the door.

To be continued....

Can I Save My Marriage?

Many of you reading this post may be in the middle of a rocky season in your marriage and wondering if your marriage can be saved. Your spouse isn't showing any signs or interest in saving the marriage and their issue (financial irresponsibility, lack of interest in intimacy, pornography, alcohol, adultery, etc...) appears to be at the point of no return. Can one person save the marriage?

My answer is ....Yes! - one person can save the marriage!

With a strong commitment to the marriage and unwavering faith in God, your marriage can be saved - without a doubt. I'm not saying it will be an easy process at all. As a matter of fact, while trying to win your spouse's love back or renew an interest in the marriage, there will be many tears, feelings of bitterness, rejection, frustration, anger, and you may even feel like you're wasting your time. While enduring these difficult emotions, I still believe the process is much easier than divorce.

I remember when hubby and I talked about the ugly word divorce. Our marriage seemed hopeless - beyond repair. As a Believer, I had to ask myself if I really believed in God's promises or was I going to take the easy way out and walk out of the marriage.
In the upcoming week, I will share how one person can save the marriage. Keep the hope! Keep the faith! It's not over until God says it's over!
Is this a guarantee? Of course not. You can't change another person's mind, but changing yourself and some of your actions and thoughts can definitely change your marriage. What is there to lose?

I Just Called To Say...

Ring Ring

Me: Hello

Hubby: Hey

Me: Hey

Hubby: I have the garage door opener.

Me: You called to tell me you have the garage door opener?

Hubby: Yea, I didn't know I had it.

Me: You were supposed to say, "No, I really called to tell you I love you."

Hubby: Well, I would have if I didn't have the garage door opener. chuckles I love you.

Me: I love you too.

When was the last time you picked up the phone to call your spouse only to say you loved them?
Believe it or not, this was an extremely difficult task for me. I've never been one to freely offer terms of endearment, so I would have to mentally prepare myself to pick up the phone.

If you're married to someone who doesn't show affection as you would like to receive it, or never offers the physical touch you desire, please know that it doesn't come easy to everyone.

This was a major problem for many years in our marriage, which eventually led to the bedroom. Initiating sex or lack of is a form of communication often misunderstood. That's another topic.

Can you do it?

It's easy to love when the spouse is lovable, but in those unlovable situations, we tend to turn the love down or completely off.

Are you up for the challenge? Pick up the phone and call your spouse only to say...I Love You!

If you are with your spouse....go to them and tell them you love them.

Go ahead, you can do it!

Initiating Date Night

Hubby reminds me quite frequently that men want to be asked out as much as women do. I have to be honest, I miss being courted by my boyfriend turned husband. The most exciting part of a relationship is the beginning when we're going waaaay out of our way to impress each other and dates are FREQUENT. As I think back, I did ask hubby out quite a bit and didn't think anything of it.

A surprise knock at the door with flowers, love notes, an unexpected kiss, a call to say, "I love you," or a spontaneous date were things we enjoyed in the early years of dating and even marriage, yet life happens - jobs take priority, children are born, and all of a sudden we're always tired.

Butts get glued to the sofa and instead of holding hands, we're holding the remote control, a good book, or a baby. Computer screens and cell phones take the place of our spouse's dreamy eyes.

We're blaming everything else on the economy, so why not date night? Too expensive! Let's settle for a Redbox or Netflix movie. You know what? Whatever works...just do something.

No more excuses! It doesn't matter who initiates the date, just do it! Does it matter who calls to see what time the movie starts or to see what's playing? Does it matter who drives? Does it matter who picks the restaurant?

My answer a year ago would have been, "Yes!"

Women want to be courted. We want to be pursued and desired, but let hubby tell it....men do also.

Oh well, now that we know both husband and wife want to be asked out...who is going to initiate the date?

Our 'Helpmate' Conversation

Hubby and I had a conversation this morning about me being his helper/helpmate, helpmeet...whatever you want to call it. I've always tried to ask hubby what he needs help with instead of trying to read his mind. I've also tried to do those 'helpmeet' duties that I've been taught to do, yet as I mentioned, I no longer agree with those teachings.

Our Conversation

Me: Kevin, you know I've been praying and studying about marriage and I'm on this helper stuff.

Kevin: Shakes head in agreement as he puts on his shoes for work.

Me: You know what? When God created Eve to help Adam, Adam didn't have clothes to pick up and wash. There was no food to prepare and cook. Isn't if funny how over the years, the helper has transformed into doing all that stuff? I put emphasis on stuff

Kevin: putting jacket on and trying to get out of the house as quickly as possible.

Me: You know what I mean? (grabbing his head to get eye contact) God isn't concerned about this worldly stuff - cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Is He?

Kevin: standing and swaying from side to side. You know what I'm doing?

Me: It looks like you're dodging bullets

Kevin: Yep, I better get ready; I might have to fight somebody. We laugh as he leaves for work

Think about it...God's ways are not our ways. His thoughts are not our thoughts. God is concerned about spiritual matters. God is concerned about our heart. I can wash all hubby's clothes and cook all his meals and still not be the helper I was created to be for him.

That stuff (that he can very well do himself) is done because I love him - not because it's my responsibility as his helper.

Helping my husband means encouraging him to be the provider, the priest, and the protector of our home.

Helping my husband means offering encouraging words when he feels the weight of being all those things is on his shoulder - not nagging him with unnecessary yip yap that I'm good at.

Helping my husband means giving him the love he needs - not the love I want to give him - this is hardest for me.

Helping my husband means keeping him in his place as leader of our home by having his back, but not doing his job. Uh...Kevin you gotta go to work, buddy!

Helping my husband means keeping him covered and lifted in a prayer that does not cease.

Helping my husband means doing my part to keep him physically satisfied. Men deal with some crazy temptations

Helping my husband means showing him how much I appreciate him choosing me to be his life companion. I really am blessed that he chose me - nobody else can handle me.

I can go on and on, but I think you get the picture. That stuff is important, but not nearly as important as helping a man be the man God created him to be - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Taking care of the stuff is easy, but pouring your heart into your husband's life is hard work.

A Stormy Marriage

Hubby and I have been getting to know one another for over 15 years and we're still learning things about each other as we grow together and individually.

It takes time for a marriage to reach a point where simple things aren't escalated to unnecessary heights. One day, you'll be able to laugh at things you use to get upset about. Things that irritate you about your spouse will soon be overlooked or go unnoticed.

Time heals, teaches, restores, and strengthens. In this passing of time, troubles WILL come - it's guaranteed.

As you read these posts, please don't think our marriage is storm free. We still go through, yet our storms are not as turbulent. We've learned from our storms and almost drowned in a few, but we survived!

Learning how to be the husband or wife your spouse needs takes time - a lot of time.

Put on your rain coat and your rain boots and grab your umbrella - the storm is coming, but rest assure...your storm will pass.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain." Author Unknown

What's For Dinner?

"What's for dinner?" Can't really explain this, but I truly dislike being asked this question when Hubby comes in from work. I think he has fun asking because it gets under my skin. Sometimes my response is, "Tongue." In other words, I didn't cook, so chew on your tongue or cook yourself. LOL

One day, Hubby came home to a cold kitchen. I had to do it - for myself. I actually enjoy having a hot meal waiting for him, but when a spouse begins to EXPECT things to be done, there's a problem. Hubby was opening and closing cabinets and the refrigerator like he was on a scavenger hunt for food.

I began to feel a little guilty, but why? Why in the world did I feel guilty for not cooking when I've done it every day since the day I retired? Hmph...I didn't like the feeling I had nor did I think it was fair to myself to feel that way, so that Friday was the beginning of all Fridays being a no cooking day for me.

Hubby will tell me continually, "You don't have to cook for me, I'll find something to eat." Although the sound of those cabinets opening and closing irritates me, he does find something and is quite capable of cooking.

Some couples share in the cooking, while others go with the flow from day to day, and unfortunately, there are some spouses who expect the wife to cook - "It's her job."


I never read that in the married manual! This is a lie that has been passed down for years and years and many women actually believe this - I did also.

Chauvinism, sexism, and subservient views taught and allowed in the home, workplace, marriages, and even the church is not right. My opinion! Am I a feminist? No, I am a child of God.

I'm also raising boys, future fathers and husbands, and they will not expect their wife to cook for them.

Coming soon...I am my husband's helper

Domestic Duties

Some of our most heated discussions in our marriage have been about the roles of the husband and wife.

I have NEVER read anywhere that it is the husband's or the wife's responsibility to do all the domestic work - cook, clean, laundry, etc...

Hubby is about as old school as old school gets and has always believed it was the wife's job to do the housework while the husband went to work.

Well, my last two years in the military, hubby was a stay at home dad and did all housework and laundry, but for some reason I always came home to a frozen chicken! What the ....?
I really didn't mind at the time because I let him know I just wanted him to keep my babies safe and sound. I appreciated that he would lay his ego down while surrounded by neighbors who were women also staying home with the children.

It wasn't until I retired that I had a problem with him expressing to me what my role was.
Yes, I chose to stay home and homeschool the boys and hubby had a hot meal EVERY day he walked in the door until one day I decided NOT to cook...

To be continued...

Men Are Slobs!

One night, hubby and I were in the kitchen getting a snack and preparing to watch a movie together. The following is a short exchange of words we had in the kitchen.

Me - "Kevin, do you love me?"
Hubby - "Yes."
Me - "Will you do me a favor?"
Hubby - "Anything."
Me - "Will you wipe the counters off, so I can sit down and eat?"
Hubby - "Why do you want them wiped off?"
Me - looking at hubby like he has two heads - "Are you serious?"
Hubby - laughing at me
Me - "You're serious! Can I blog about this?"
Hubby - reaches for dish cloth and commences to wipe down the counters.

The answer to getting your spouse to clean up after themselves or to help clean PERIOD is to either do it yourself or be an example and hope that one year they begin to follow your lead. LOL

I'm aware that women can be as sloppy as men are, but "Men are slobs!" This is what my dear father told me yesterday after walking into the boys' room. He let them know he wasn't happy with the room and also told them it's wrong to expect a woman to clean their mess up.

A Man has confirmed it!!

Gosh, I love my father!

I Wanna Go Crazy

Hormones and Marriage DO NOT MIX.

Before - During - After

So, does this mean women get one good week being hormone free and maybe a chance at living chemically balanced.

Once a month, I turn into a single woman living a married life. Last night I looked at my husband and thought to myself...Who are you and what in the hell are you doing here?

This morning, I awoke and found my kitchen SPOTLESS clean and thought...Gosh, I love my husband!

The song below is quite appropriate for husbands and wives living with "the change" or just the "horror of hormones." I think you'll figure out which words I'm referring to. LOL

Oh, you don't experience this? Oh well, find another blog, this one is obviously NOT for you!

In case you can't hear the song...

I Wanna Go Crazy

3Cs of Marriage

I asked hubby what three things he would advise to keep the fire burning in a marriage and below are his 3Cs to marriage.

  1. Caress
  2. Communication
  3. Christ

I changed number one to read 'caress' only because it sounds better, but hubby actually said, "Lots of sex." You get the picture, don't you? Men want sex - period.

Note that Christ was mentioned last, but I know he meant it to be number one, however, sex rules the minds of men (just my two cents).