XI- Ignoring Infidelity

Aside from my mother and one friend I had no one to talk to, even so, I was determined not to bad mouth my husband to them. But, the one person I should have been relaying my feelings to was the one who hurt me the most--Lee. I tried to bring up how much hurt and pain I was going through over the next few months but Lee felt as though I was "throwing it in his face" or "punishing him." He wanted to leave what happened in Cuba, in Cuba, and never discuss the topic again. I ended up forgiving his transgression so I felt bad for making him feel bad. However, I put his needs before my own and became resentful because on the inside I was drowning.

While most men he labored with all day headed to the bars after work, Lee came home. We'd talk about the days and current events, eat, watch tv, take Ryan to the park, go on dates, relax, and enjoy life. Lee tickled and massaged my feet nightly just like he always had (and still does to this day), and we showed each other a lot of affection. For the most part, we looked and acted like a very happy couple. Unfortunately all the good in our marriage didn't help me heal or help me trust my husband again. On the rare occasion he would ask for a guys night out, I panicked and expressed my feelings to Lee which eventually led him to feeling as though he were smothered. We had quite a few intense arguments about him going out. He acted like my feelings were meaningless, as though I were treating him like his mother and not his wife.

About eight months after affair discovery day I called my mother and asked how I could know Lee wouldn't screw around on me. She made the following suggestion, "You need to ask that if Pam were here right now and in great physical shape and you were still heavy like you were back then, who would he choose?" I didn't understand my mom's reasoning behind such a question but trusted her advice. I asked Lee when he came home; he bowed his head and replied, "Pam."

To Lee's credit, at least he was honest; to his discredit, he was also a callous, insensitive, selfish ass. The weight I carried pre and post birth disgusted him to the point that he would choose fit over love. I worked hard to rid my weight and although my body didn't look the same at 150 (the weight he met and married me at), I was still the same person, still the same loving wife. Needless to say, hearing those words come from his mouth stabbed me to my very core. I remember crying and then grabbing the phone. First I called my parents and asked if Ryan and I could move back in with them until I was financially stable, next I called the airport and purchased a one-way ticket to Michigan.

Lee begged me not to leave, he told me he could change because he loved me...I didn't think he was capable of it. He told me he wanted Ryan and I to stay, that he wanted to work on our marriage...I didn't want to hear it. When it finally dawned on him that I was out, he wished me and our son well and promised to make financial and custody arrangements. He drove us to the airport the following morning, choking back tears the whole way. By the time it was time for Ryan and I to board the plane Lee could no longer contain the flow of water from his eyes. It was the first time since me learning of the affair that I actually saw a remorseful man. Even so, I was cold, stone-faced, on the outside at least.

I was a hot mess the whole plane trip to Michigan. If a flight attendant told me how precious Ryan was or inquired as to whether I was okay--I totally lost it and started crying. I never shared the why behind the tears with those kind-hearted women but I did thank them for asking. When my mother and step-father picked the baby and I up from the airport, and I saw my mothers welcoming face and felt her warm embrace I came unglued. Neither asked me anything on the way home, I just sat in the back with Ryan and stared out the window thinking about how I would make it as a young, twenty-five year old single mother and how much I would miss Lee in my life. I still loved him.

Part X

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