The Definition of Marriage

 
Marriage is the process by which two people who love each other make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is increasingly cut short by divorce. Of course, over the course of a relationship that can last as many as seven or eight decades, a lot happens. Personalities change, bodies age, and romantic love waxes and wanes. And no marriage is free of conflict. What enables a couple to endure is how they handle that conflict. So how do you manage the problems that inevitably arise? And how can you keep the spark alive?

Source: Psychology Today

Happy Valentine's Day to you!

I know this is a very special day to many of you, so I hope your day is full of love and joy!

No Chocolates, Please!

Don't measure a couple by the fun things you see them do, 

but by how they stand after they've gone through.

Pornography - Can it help? Can it hurt?

 I personally believe pornography hurts marriages, and I realize I'm probably in the minority regarding this issue. Below are some pros and cons of pornography in marriage.

Pornography in Marriage

 Cons - Reasons People Believe Pornography Hurts Marriages

• Guilt, mistrust, and anger about pornography can tear your marriage apart.

• Turning to pornography may cause your spouse to withdraw from your relationship because he receives instant gratification from his fantasies.

• When your husband views porn you may feel disrespected, take it personally, and believe that you aren't enough for him. This can create a wedge in your marriage.

• Pornography could make it difficult for your husband to see sex as a loving form of communication. As a result, pornography can decrease sexual satisfaction within your marriage.

Pros -- Reasons People Believe Pornography Does Not Hurt Marriages

• A wife may think, "How can he say he loves me and look at this smut?" Looking at a pretty woman doesn't mean a man doesn't enjoy making love to his wife. It is an entirely different part of their lives that is separate from their marriage.

• Some sexual experts believe a sexual relationship can be enhanced when imagination is allowed to run free.

• If your sexual intimacy with one another is not being replaced by your husband's porn viewing, then it should not be an issue in your marriage.

• If your husband is viewing porn, it can only hurt you if you allow it to. If you aren't insecure and have a good self-image, your husband's porn use won't hurt you.

Talk With One Another About Pornography

Discussing this issue with trust and honesty without accusing one another is the first step in dealing with pornography. Sexual therapists suggest that partners not try to censor one another's thoughts or to force one another to view offensive material.

Whether or not pornography will add to or lessen a couple's sexual enjoyment is up to each couple.

 Source - About.com.marriage

Not Your Business

I heard the below statement on a marriage program yesterday and thought I'd share. 

It's not your business how your spouse treats you. 
This is between your spouse and God.

Your only business should be how you treat your spouse.

This is so true and I believe I've mentioned this more than once in some way or another. We spend a lot of time thinking about how we are treated when we should focus on our self and our own actions.

Q and A

 Q

LaVender,

My husband and I took some time off work and we reconnected as people in love during that time (lunch, a movie, laughter and conversation, etc.).   Married couples get to this place where the woman treats the man like one of her children (fussing, nagging, etc.) and the man treats the woman like one of his annoying co-workers. Why is that?!?
Anonymous

A

Anonymous,

I don't claim to be a marriage expert, and this is just my opinion.

The longer I’m married, I realize our relationship is like an old t-shirt or a pair of sweats that are raggedy as @#!*% . We feel so comfortable in the old sweats or t-shirt and just can’t let it go. Nothing else in our closet makes us feel as comfortable, yet we wouldn’t dare wear it outside the house. As comfortable as the t-shirt is, there comes a time when you need to buy something new – keep the t-shirt, but buy a new one every now and then…just like marriage – keep the comfy feeling (no one else makes us feel this way), but sometimes we need to reNEW the relationship. 

Getting comfortable is actually a good thing in marriage if it's not abused. Think about it. How many people can you do what you do and look like you look with your spouse? We're able to let our guards down and simply be who we really are - without masks. The only problem with this comfy feeling is when we take advantage of our comfort space. Instead of showing our spouse how much we appreciate being comfortable with them and growing old together, we misuse our old sweats and forget to treat them as special as we would a new pair of sweats. 

LaVender

Can You Do It?

Can you do it?

Are you strong enough?

Humble enough?

Can you be wrong even when you know you're right?

Stop fighting...give in...surrender!

Am I A Punk?

I spoke with a gentleman recently who said he felt like a punk for staying in his marriage. He is a good husband and takes good care of his wife and family, yet feels his kindness is mistaken for weakness. His wife has never expressed this and only appreciates her husband's efforts.

Ego and pride can destroy any relationship.

HUMILITY is the key.

I believe this gentlemen is experiencing what meekness or humility is without knowing the meaning of the word. Yes, humility can make you feel like a punk if you don't understand it, but thinking less of yourself and putting your spouse's needs before your own shows great character. Many are not able to show humility in marriage and have a 'what about me' attitude. As crazy as it sounds, when we put the needs of others first, the return may take a while, but the rewards are more than amazing.

Showing humility is important when it comes to spiritual warfare in marriage. It makes a huge difference in our reaction and actions towards our spouse. Humility is another form of forfeiting the last word. Humility is servant-hood. Humility invites personal growth and growth in marriage. If you're feeling like a punk, you may be showing humility.

Forfeit The Last Word

 We can prevent many of our marriage battles if we prevent the battles in our mind first. A simple word or thoughtless act can trigger unnecessary retaliation. Oftentimes, a simple situation will settle itself in silence. Not vindictive silence, but silence allowing our spouse to process what he/she said and silence allowing ourselves to realize that we don't need to comment on everything. Every comment doesn't need a response.

When something is done or said that we don't like, our first thought is usually to defend ourselves or to share our point of view. If you've never tried it before, try saying absolutely nothing if a question is not asked. This is where the battle begins - self control and mind control. It's a battle to keep quiet - for some of us.

"No way will she/he get away with this!" "Who does she/he think they are?" ""Excuse me?" "No one is going to treat me this way!" "I deserve better."  These are just a few of the internal mind battles that quickly cross our mind before we open lips and discharge fighting words.

From my own experience of wanting the last word because I KNOW I'm right, not responding has worked like a charm for me. Kevin and I would battle over some of the most trivial issues.Our prideful personalities would get in the way and before we new it, we were in battle. Now, I control and conquer the battle in my mind FIRST - this is also spiritual warfare. Sometimes my mind will say be silent, but my loose lips will want to run away with hurtful words. This takes practice - a lot of practice if you have loose lips topped with a hot temper, BUT it can be done! I'm a witness.

So, why not try this if you haven't already. If you do and fail, I'm sure you'll have another opportunity. You may be surprised at your spouse's reaction to your silence. Remember, this isn't a vindictive silence, but a silence of humility to forfeit the last word.

To be continued

Anonymous Email

LaVender, I can't tell you how much I miss my husband and my marriage. Marriage is sacred and when we allow the enemy to come in a little bit he takes over.

I prayed and asked God to deliver me and he did.When I was home I felt as if I was going to die staying in that house. The sleepless nights, being awaken out of my sleep having to fight with a spouse on drugs.  I almost lost my life but I continued to pray and ask the Lord to deliver me from the hand of the enemy, not knowing that sometimes the enemy can be right in the same bed with you.

I thank God for sending me through all that I went through because it was all for his Glory. LaVender I thank God for you and Kevin. Just seeing what you are going through makes me know that some how some way I will make it to the other side. I'm praying that the Lord will bless me with the man that is prepared for me so that I may be his help mate and love him as Christ has loved the Church.

Pray for me as I Pray for you. May God Bless You and Keep you is my prayer.

Anonymous Reader

The above email was much longer, but I chose (with permission) to share only a small part which pertains to spiritual warfare in marriage. I highlighted one sentence in particular. We often invite the enemy in our home without realizing it and before you know it, he has set up camp in our home and made himself comfortable in our marriage. How do we invite him? Unforgiveness, pride, selfishness, lies, deceit, bad choices, emotional affairs, and ugly thoughts are just a few personal invites. We allow ourselves to assist in the destruction of our own marriage through our actions. 

The spiritual warfare begins in us before it shows up in our marriage.

To be continued...

This anonymous reader chose to leave her marriage. Abuse of no form is not up for discussion on this blog.