Lee and I wrote and/or called each other once a week while he was stationed in Cuba. I made sure once a month he received a care package filled with pictures and a video of our son so he could watch him grow up. I started feeling better about myself because I was starting to lose my pregnancy weight and I regularly updated Lee about my progress. It was so nice speaking to him on the phone and he always said how much he loved and missed us, but something felt off. He was distant and didn't have much to say aside from short-lived general chit chat.
Once again I started having dreams of my husband with a faceless woman and they became more frequent. I spoke with Lee many times and he reassured me that his lack of communication on the phone was because he was depressed and sad, missing us so badly. It was also the first time he mentioned wanting to kill himself, February of 2005 to be exact. I begged him not to do it, that I loved him so much and as soon as this was over we could be together again. He calmed down and said it was "just a thought."
He had leave twice that year, once in March and the second time in August. Of course the initial sight of each other was a time of much hugging and kissing. Ryan lit up at the sight of his father and vice versa. After about two days on leave though, Lee's distant side started appearing. Often he was solemn and quiet. Though he held my hand and we spent time together, he didn't seem "there." In March I determined it was due to him being sad that he had to go back and he didn't hold Ryan a lot because he wasn't used to changing diapers and comforting him anymore. We made love a few times, but not as often as you'd think considering we hadn't seen each other for three months. In August my husbands changed demeanor really stood out, as did two scratches on either side of his back, equal in length...
I don't remember "the" day, but I'll never forget what happened on it. Lee came to my mother's in Michigan for Ryan's first birthday. Back to my married weight of 150 pounds, my hubby couldn't stop telling me how terrific and smokin' hot I looked--nor could he stop flirting. But, we couldn't make love when he first got there because "Auntie Flo" was visiting.
Several days later my cycle ended and after feeding and changing our son my mother took charge so mommy and daddy could have some special alone time. We passionately kissed and started ripping each others clothes off. Smack dab in the middle of what I thought was a hot love making session, Lee stopped..."Honey, I can't finish. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm with a new woman." Not surprisingly, I was bewildered.
Lee proceeded to tell me that I had lost so much weight that he wasn't used to me anymore. It was then that he sat up, all sad and depressed, and I noticed two scratch marks equal in length across both sides of his back. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach I asked if he'd been with another women and he said "No." I suppose because I loved him so and was so happy to have him there that instead of going with my gut, I believed him when he told me he had brushed up against something at work.
His vacation came and went in much the same unusual manner as it did back in March. The only difference is that when we said goodbye this time, we knew he'd return to get us in December, our family would be together, and we were going to move down south where he'd be stationed next....
To be continued...
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