Anger and hate consumed me and I practically tore Lee a new asshole when he came home from work after speaking with Pam and learning about the possibility of yet another woman. First I showed him the phone bill, he was speechless. I screamed at him how I could never, ever heal from this or trust him again. He tried to say "Sorry" but I wouldn't have it. I then asked him about having an affair on his affair partner and he adamantly denied it. I did not believe him. I was sick.
After contemplating the entire ordeal I decided I could not be with this man who committed marital infidelity and told him I wanted to leave. The rest of the afternoon was spent in silence. My husband sat in a zombie-like state on the couch and I went to Ryan's room and held him close; with the phone in my hand at the time, I called home.
"Dad?", I said to my stepfather who I grew close to after living with him and my mother for a year while Lee was in Cuba.
"Yes, Kay?"
"I want to leave Lee. May I stay with you and Mom until I can find a job and get settled? Can you come and get me?"
He knew about the affair because my mother was the first person I called when I found out.
"Are you sure?", he asked with skepticism.
"Yes.", I answered, bawling.
"Okay, but I better not drive a hundreds of miles to get all the way down there only to have you change your mind. I'm asking again, are you absolutely sure you want to leave?"
"Yes."
"Alright, I'll head out first thing in the morning."
My stepfather left as promised early the next morning and drove in blizzard conditions when he came through Kentucky and Tennessee so it wasn't until later that evening that he arrived. Lee went to the store when my stepfather called from a local gas station to get directions to our apartment because he was afraid my stepdad would punch his lights out. Turns out Lee had nothing to fear. When he came back home my stepfather asked my husband and I to sit down.
Looking us straight in the eyes with a serious tone in his voice, he asked, "Do you two kids love each other?"
Lee and I looked at each other through teary-eyes and then simultaneously replied, "Yes", to my stepfather's question. He then spoke the following words, "Then you should at least stay and try to work things out. People make poor choices, and regardless of how bad Lee's choices were he still loves you and you him. He's a good man who mad a poor decision. Nothing would make me happier than to drive back to Michigan without you and Ryan."
I couldn't believe my ears. As a then Christian I was astonished to hear those words stem from the mouth of an agnostic, regardless, I allowed them to sink in for awhile. Lee, my stepfather and I had a long discussion about the good things in our marriage and our love for one another. After a few hours I decided to go ahead and give our marriage a chance. My stepfather ate dinner with us, slept a short time and then left early the next morning. After that evening Lee and I hugged and kissed a lot and made arrangements to have a babysitter once a week so we could go out.
I still cried often but nearly as much over the next few months. We were communicating and flirting with each other like we did earlier in our marriage and Lee and Ryan were beginning to bond. However, we pretty much swept my husband's wrongdoing aside after the talk with my stepfather....a HUGE mistake so fresh after what had happened. Trust was broken and the result was me becoming a controlling wife.
To be continued...
Part IX - My Contact With The Other Woman
Several weeks of crying and anger prevailed. Lee and I discussed whether to stay married or not numerous times. He kept telling me how sorry he was for everything, but I was reluctant to believe him--and it's a good thing too. I was adamant and told him that if he wants us to stay together that he must never contact his affair partner again. Lee assured me that although he still had feelings for Pam that he would not contact her again. Lie!
I've always taken care of the bills and maybe because Lee didn't, he wasn't aware that phone calls actually show on the telephone bill. When I saw the country code for Cuba on it, my heart sank. Lee was at work so I couldn't confront him and I also had to take into account that he had male friends too. Maybe he called one of them? "No", I told myself, "it is hers." I developed a plan before calling; I was going to pretend to be Lee's younger sister. I then picked up the phone with shaky hands and sweaty palms and dialed.
Friend: "Hello."
Me: "Hi, is Pam there?"
Friend: "No, I'm her friend Emily, she's on leave at her parents. May I take a message?"
Me: "No, this is Lee's sister. Lee asked me to call Pam and get another number to reach her at because his wife found out about the affair."
Friend: "Oh."
Me: "Could you please give me the number to her parent's house? It's very important."
Friend (reluctantly): "Yes, the number is...."
After she gave me the number I immediately called the other woman. Her father answered the phone and as soon as he said, "just a moment", my heart began racing.
Pam: "Hello."
Me: "Hi, Pam. This is Donnie's wife. Please do not hang up on me, I need to ask you a couple of questions."
I verified all the affair details and learned Lee was truthful with the time frame and how they met. I assured Pam I was not angry with her but rather my husband because who knew what lies he fed her. She began crying and said, "I'm so very sorry. And, you know, whenever I came back from leave a friend of mine told me that Lee was seeing another person each time." We chatted a bit more and she said that she would never contact Lee again or answer his calls.
After I hung up I was both relieved and hurt. Relieved to learn that at least some truth came from my husband's lips and hurt because not only had he contacted her but that there was a possibility of another other woman.
Needless to say all hell broke loose when Lee arrived home from work later that evening and it lead to a special visitor from Michigan to come and take Ryan and I away...
Did you miss Part VIII? Click here
I've always taken care of the bills and maybe because Lee didn't, he wasn't aware that phone calls actually show on the telephone bill. When I saw the country code for Cuba on it, my heart sank. Lee was at work so I couldn't confront him and I also had to take into account that he had male friends too. Maybe he called one of them? "No", I told myself, "it is hers." I developed a plan before calling; I was going to pretend to be Lee's younger sister. I then picked up the phone with shaky hands and sweaty palms and dialed.
Friend: "Hello."
Me: "Hi, is Pam there?"
Friend: "No, I'm her friend Emily, she's on leave at her parents. May I take a message?"
Me: "No, this is Lee's sister. Lee asked me to call Pam and get another number to reach her at because his wife found out about the affair."
Friend: "Oh."
Me: "Could you please give me the number to her parent's house? It's very important."
Friend (reluctantly): "Yes, the number is...."
After she gave me the number I immediately called the other woman. Her father answered the phone and as soon as he said, "just a moment", my heart began racing.
Pam: "Hello."
Me: "Hi, Pam. This is Donnie's wife. Please do not hang up on me, I need to ask you a couple of questions."
I verified all the affair details and learned Lee was truthful with the time frame and how they met. I assured Pam I was not angry with her but rather my husband because who knew what lies he fed her. She began crying and said, "I'm so very sorry. And, you know, whenever I came back from leave a friend of mine told me that Lee was seeing another person each time." We chatted a bit more and she said that she would never contact Lee again or answer his calls.
After I hung up I was both relieved and hurt. Relieved to learn that at least some truth came from my husband's lips and hurt because not only had he contacted her but that there was a possibility of another other woman.
Needless to say all hell broke loose when Lee arrived home from work later that evening and it lead to a special visitor from Michigan to come and take Ryan and I away...
Did you miss Part VIII? Click here
Part VIII - He Loves The Other Woman
"....I love her too." I didn't know what to do. The rest of the day I was numb and couldn't muster the strength to do much of anything except mope around in a trance-like state. Ryan relied on me more than Lee; my mother, stepfather and I were really all he knew and I was all that was left. A pleasant and easy to please baby, even his whimpering had me wishing I didn't have to be his mother. I regretted giving birth to him. Horrible, I know, but it's how I felt.
When I woke up the next morning it was the beginning of an emotional roller coaster that would not be ending any time soon. Anger filled me. "How he could strip me from those who loved me and bring me down here to deal with this shit?! He should have NEVER came and got Ryan and I. He could have ended it in Cuba, it would have hurt but I could have learned to move on." In the kitchen making coffee stood my solemn husband, I glared at him and screamed, "How fucking could you? How could you do this to me? To us?", and then I smacked him hard across his face. He didn't strike me back, he broke into tears--not because I hurt him, but because he hurt me.
Then he was off to work--leaving our son with his emotionally unbalanced mother who was coming unglued at the seams.
In hindsight, I think I was going through depression. Due to the major rift in his life of only having me now, Ryan was a bit clingy--and I found myself resenting him. I went to the doctors about two weeks post affair discovery day and told her I was getting really irritated with Ryan because he always followed me everywhere. She knew I'd never beaten him but could obviously see my frustration and suggested I close the door to his room and ignore his cries. I did. Poor little Ryan, I was a complete wreck. I didn't want to rock, hold or cuddle him. Hell, I could barely muster a smile even when he smiled at me sweetly with his small round face and green eyes. I fed, clothed and bathed him but instead of picking him up, I snatched him up. Instead of holding him gently with warm and loving arms, I basically just let him be on me. He was a good sleeper, but my behavior inadvertently affected him and he wasn't going down so easily anymore because he was upset. Not everyday was like this. On days I was sad I found comfort in my little man. But, he didn't know if Momma was going to look at him lovingly or with hate.
I wish I would have told my doctor what was going on at home; perhaps she would have suggested counseling or anti-depressants. Since I kept my mouth shut though, I dealt with it the only way I knew how. It was almost like I was punishing him for his father's affair. What's done is done, I cannot go back and change my behavior. I've forgiven myself for treating Ryan so poorly, I had to or the guilt would eat me alive to this day.
Did you miss the previous post? Click here
When I woke up the next morning it was the beginning of an emotional roller coaster that would not be ending any time soon. Anger filled me. "How he could strip me from those who loved me and bring me down here to deal with this shit?! He should have NEVER came and got Ryan and I. He could have ended it in Cuba, it would have hurt but I could have learned to move on." In the kitchen making coffee stood my solemn husband, I glared at him and screamed, "How fucking could you? How could you do this to me? To us?", and then I smacked him hard across his face. He didn't strike me back, he broke into tears--not because I hurt him, but because he hurt me.
Then he was off to work--leaving our son with his emotionally unbalanced mother who was coming unglued at the seams.
In hindsight, I think I was going through depression. Due to the major rift in his life of only having me now, Ryan was a bit clingy--and I found myself resenting him. I went to the doctors about two weeks post affair discovery day and told her I was getting really irritated with Ryan because he always followed me everywhere. She knew I'd never beaten him but could obviously see my frustration and suggested I close the door to his room and ignore his cries. I did. Poor little Ryan, I was a complete wreck. I didn't want to rock, hold or cuddle him. Hell, I could barely muster a smile even when he smiled at me sweetly with his small round face and green eyes. I fed, clothed and bathed him but instead of picking him up, I snatched him up. Instead of holding him gently with warm and loving arms, I basically just let him be on me. He was a good sleeper, but my behavior inadvertently affected him and he wasn't going down so easily anymore because he was upset. Not everyday was like this. On days I was sad I found comfort in my little man. But, he didn't know if Momma was going to look at him lovingly or with hate.
I wish I would have told my doctor what was going on at home; perhaps she would have suggested counseling or anti-depressants. Since I kept my mouth shut though, I dealt with it the only way I knew how. It was almost like I was punishing him for his father's affair. What's done is done, I cannot go back and change my behavior. I've forgiven myself for treating Ryan so poorly, I had to or the guilt would eat me alive to this day.
Did you miss the previous post? Click here
Part VII - He Admits Having An Affair
I could not get to the airport quick enough that early December morning when my husband permanently returned from being stationed in Cuba. We must have hugged an hour prior to the drive back to my mother's home, and the pet names flew all the whole trip. So excited to begin our new life, and give my mom and stepfather their home back, we left a day and a half later.
The drive down was uncomfortable to say the least. We listened to the radio, mostly, and were right back to having the typical, "You're driving too fast" followed by "Don't tell me how to drive " arguments. We always made up at rest stops as we've done for years when on road trips. When we got to our destination we stayed in an economy hotel until we found an apartment two weeks later. It was miserable being cramped up and then adding to the misery was the fact Lee seemed distant again, as though he were sad to be with me, and our son.
We moved into our non-furnished apartment, waiting for the military to deliver our furniture. I was happy, Ryan was ecstatic (when we pulled into the hotel on the last day he cried upon seeing it) but Lee was just there. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. On December 25, 2005 (my 26th birthday), without any warning, I looked at him and asked, "Did you love her?" With a long face and tears in his eyes he replied, "Yes." My world was shattered....
Before continuing I'd like to express to you at this time that I have not cried over this moment in years, until now. The emotional devastation from actually hearing those words stem from the mouth of the man I've loved with every ounce of my being, and still do, is buried so deep within me that writing it out makes it seem fresh again.
At first I sat there and calmly questioned him. In my mind I already knew between the dreams, his behavior, and the scratches in particular, that he had an affair--I wasn't shocked, yet. I asked him how long, "since February of this year", he replied.
The pieces of the puzzle that would explain my husband's behavior were now falling in place. I learned her name, that she was a coworker and the day after they had sex at a party is the day Lee and I spoke on the phone and he mentioned contemplating suicide. He felt like he was with another woman because it was her body and ways in the hay he'd become accustomed. In essence, I was the other woman to him now. My last question was "Do you still love and want to be married to me?", "Yes", he replied, "but...."
Did you miss Part VI? Click here
The drive down was uncomfortable to say the least. We listened to the radio, mostly, and were right back to having the typical, "You're driving too fast" followed by "Don't tell me how to drive " arguments. We always made up at rest stops as we've done for years when on road trips. When we got to our destination we stayed in an economy hotel until we found an apartment two weeks later. It was miserable being cramped up and then adding to the misery was the fact Lee seemed distant again, as though he were sad to be with me, and our son.
We moved into our non-furnished apartment, waiting for the military to deliver our furniture. I was happy, Ryan was ecstatic (when we pulled into the hotel on the last day he cried upon seeing it) but Lee was just there. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer. On December 25, 2005 (my 26th birthday), without any warning, I looked at him and asked, "Did you love her?" With a long face and tears in his eyes he replied, "Yes." My world was shattered....
Before continuing I'd like to express to you at this time that I have not cried over this moment in years, until now. The emotional devastation from actually hearing those words stem from the mouth of the man I've loved with every ounce of my being, and still do, is buried so deep within me that writing it out makes it seem fresh again.
At first I sat there and calmly questioned him. In my mind I already knew between the dreams, his behavior, and the scratches in particular, that he had an affair--I wasn't shocked, yet. I asked him how long, "since February of this year", he replied.
The pieces of the puzzle that would explain my husband's behavior were now falling in place. I learned her name, that she was a coworker and the day after they had sex at a party is the day Lee and I spoke on the phone and he mentioned contemplating suicide. He felt like he was with another woman because it was her body and ways in the hay he'd become accustomed. In essence, I was the other woman to him now. My last question was "Do you still love and want to be married to me?", "Yes", he replied, "but...."
Did you miss Part VI? Click here
Part VI - The First Obvious Sign I Chose To Ignore
Lee and I wrote and/or called each other once a week while he was stationed in Cuba. I made sure once a month he received a care package filled with pictures and a video of our son so he could watch him grow up. I started feeling better about myself because I was starting to lose my pregnancy weight and I regularly updated Lee about my progress. It was so nice speaking to him on the phone and he always said how much he loved and missed us, but something felt off. He was distant and didn't have much to say aside from short-lived general chit chat.
Once again I started having dreams of my husband with a faceless woman and they became more frequent. I spoke with Lee many times and he reassured me that his lack of communication on the phone was because he was depressed and sad, missing us so badly. It was also the first time he mentioned wanting to kill himself, February of 2005 to be exact. I begged him not to do it, that I loved him so much and as soon as this was over we could be together again. He calmed down and said it was "just a thought."
He had leave twice that year, once in March and the second time in August. Of course the initial sight of each other was a time of much hugging and kissing. Ryan lit up at the sight of his father and vice versa. After about two days on leave though, Lee's distant side started appearing. Often he was solemn and quiet. Though he held my hand and we spent time together, he didn't seem "there." In March I determined it was due to him being sad that he had to go back and he didn't hold Ryan a lot because he wasn't used to changing diapers and comforting him anymore. We made love a few times, but not as often as you'd think considering we hadn't seen each other for three months. In August my husbands changed demeanor really stood out, as did two scratches on either side of his back, equal in length...
I don't remember "the" day, but I'll never forget what happened on it. Lee came to my mother's in Michigan for Ryan's first birthday. Back to my married weight of 150 pounds, my hubby couldn't stop telling me how terrific and smokin' hot I looked--nor could he stop flirting. But, we couldn't make love when he first got there because "Auntie Flo" was visiting.
Several days later my cycle ended and after feeding and changing our son my mother took charge so mommy and daddy could have some special alone time. We passionately kissed and started ripping each others clothes off. Smack dab in the middle of what I thought was a hot love making session, Lee stopped..."Honey, I can't finish. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm with a new woman." Not surprisingly, I was bewildered.
Lee proceeded to tell me that I had lost so much weight that he wasn't used to me anymore. It was then that he sat up, all sad and depressed, and I noticed two scratch marks equal in length across both sides of his back. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach I asked if he'd been with another women and he said "No." I suppose because I loved him so and was so happy to have him there that instead of going with my gut, I believed him when he told me he had brushed up against something at work.
His vacation came and went in much the same unusual manner as it did back in March. The only difference is that when we said goodbye this time, we knew he'd return to get us in December, our family would be together, and we were going to move down south where he'd be stationed next....
To be continued...
Did you miss Part V? Click here
Once again I started having dreams of my husband with a faceless woman and they became more frequent. I spoke with Lee many times and he reassured me that his lack of communication on the phone was because he was depressed and sad, missing us so badly. It was also the first time he mentioned wanting to kill himself, February of 2005 to be exact. I begged him not to do it, that I loved him so much and as soon as this was over we could be together again. He calmed down and said it was "just a thought."
He had leave twice that year, once in March and the second time in August. Of course the initial sight of each other was a time of much hugging and kissing. Ryan lit up at the sight of his father and vice versa. After about two days on leave though, Lee's distant side started appearing. Often he was solemn and quiet. Though he held my hand and we spent time together, he didn't seem "there." In March I determined it was due to him being sad that he had to go back and he didn't hold Ryan a lot because he wasn't used to changing diapers and comforting him anymore. We made love a few times, but not as often as you'd think considering we hadn't seen each other for three months. In August my husbands changed demeanor really stood out, as did two scratches on either side of his back, equal in length...
I don't remember "the" day, but I'll never forget what happened on it. Lee came to my mother's in Michigan for Ryan's first birthday. Back to my married weight of 150 pounds, my hubby couldn't stop telling me how terrific and smokin' hot I looked--nor could he stop flirting. But, we couldn't make love when he first got there because "Auntie Flo" was visiting.
Several days later my cycle ended and after feeding and changing our son my mother took charge so mommy and daddy could have some special alone time. We passionately kissed and started ripping each others clothes off. Smack dab in the middle of what I thought was a hot love making session, Lee stopped..."Honey, I can't finish. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm with a new woman." Not surprisingly, I was bewildered.
Lee proceeded to tell me that I had lost so much weight that he wasn't used to me anymore. It was then that he sat up, all sad and depressed, and I noticed two scratch marks equal in length across both sides of his back. With tears in my eyes and a knot in my stomach I asked if he'd been with another women and he said "No." I suppose because I loved him so and was so happy to have him there that instead of going with my gut, I believed him when he told me he had brushed up against something at work.
His vacation came and went in much the same unusual manner as it did back in March. The only difference is that when we said goodbye this time, we knew he'd return to get us in December, our family would be together, and we were going to move down south where he'd be stationed next....
To be continued...
Did you miss Part V? Click here
Part V - The Military Opened Doors For Adultery
Even though Lee tried to be kind with words about my expanding waistline, I tended to overreact as though he said them harshly. I would immediately go on the offense and say something like, "It's hard being here alone all day and we can't afford healthy food" or "I don't have time to exercise" and the real kicker "If you loved me you wouldn't care how big I got." I did not make it easy for my passive aggressive husband and conflict avoider to be something I'd want and require, no, demand, further down line--to be honest.
Many adultery experts will tell you that it is never the fault of the betrayed spouse that their partner chose to have an affair, and they're right. Counseling, divorce and separation are healthier choices. However, I think it's important that I at least accept my share of the blame as to the downfall of our marriage.
We shared spectacular superficial conversations together and were always there for one another through hardships and believe me we've had them, i.e.; deaths in the family, bankruptcy, loss of jobs, business ventures and failures, child rearing issues, etc. But the one thing neither of us were good at was discussing our lack of happiness with the other. He dreaded my over-the-top reactions and I didn't want to risk him having a bad day. This is something we will never do again and we're working really hard at being able to do so in an effort to fix our completely broken marriage.The dreams of my husband running off with a faceless woman continued on and off during my pregnancy. I questioned Lee numerous times and he denied the allegations and comforted me by saying he loved me and was just nervous and out of sorts about having our first child...Ryan was born August 7, 1994, just two and half years after we married.
Happy days followed and my dreams of infidelity had come to halt as we were now proud parents of a healthy baby boy. Lee re-enlisted with the Navy for four more years and we chose Cuba for his next tour of duty. Our house had a for rent sign up, Ryan was four months old and we were excited about the opportunity. But then we received word that there was a prisoner crisis in Cuba and military dependents were being sent home and those scheduled to come, couldn't.
We were devastated and tears of happiness turned to those of pain. As unfortunate luck would have it, an offer was accepted for our house and papers signed before we learned the news. Lee, Ryan and I had no choice but to move into an Econo Lodge until December when he was scheduled to and Ryan and I were set to live with my mom and stepfather in Michigan.
No sooner than Lee had his foot out the door, the dreams of him committing adultery resumed....
To be continued January 30th
Did you miss Part IV? Click here
Many adultery experts will tell you that it is never the fault of the betrayed spouse that their partner chose to have an affair, and they're right. Counseling, divorce and separation are healthier choices. However, I think it's important that I at least accept my share of the blame as to the downfall of our marriage.
We shared spectacular superficial conversations together and were always there for one another through hardships and believe me we've had them, i.e.; deaths in the family, bankruptcy, loss of jobs, business ventures and failures, child rearing issues, etc. But the one thing neither of us were good at was discussing our lack of happiness with the other. He dreaded my over-the-top reactions and I didn't want to risk him having a bad day. This is something we will never do again and we're working really hard at being able to do so in an effort to fix our completely broken marriage.The dreams of my husband running off with a faceless woman continued on and off during my pregnancy. I questioned Lee numerous times and he denied the allegations and comforted me by saying he loved me and was just nervous and out of sorts about having our first child...Ryan was born August 7, 1994, just two and half years after we married.
Happy days followed and my dreams of infidelity had come to halt as we were now proud parents of a healthy baby boy. Lee re-enlisted with the Navy for four more years and we chose Cuba for his next tour of duty. Our house had a for rent sign up, Ryan was four months old and we were excited about the opportunity. But then we received word that there was a prisoner crisis in Cuba and military dependents were being sent home and those scheduled to come, couldn't.
We were devastated and tears of happiness turned to those of pain. As unfortunate luck would have it, an offer was accepted for our house and papers signed before we learned the news. Lee, Ryan and I had no choice but to move into an Econo Lodge until December when he was scheduled to and Ryan and I were set to live with my mom and stepfather in Michigan.
No sooner than Lee had his foot out the door, the dreams of him committing adultery resumed....
To be continued January 30th
Did you miss Part IV? Click here
Part IV - Weighty Issues and False Security
It wouldn't be until October 19, 2009, that I learned the nightmare I had of Lee committing adultery, while pregnant with our first child, turned out to be reality. In hindsight, the signs were there. He was still loving and affectionate, but seemed a little more distant. He took on a part-time job as a bartender. At first he was home shortly after closing, then a bit later, and a bit later next time. Now is the appropriate moment to share a bit of back story...
One of Lee's biggest fears (I didn't know this until years later) was that I would gain weight and become a "frumpy" housewife. His stepmother and best friend (at different times) asked, "Lee, are you sure you want to marry Kay? I know you love her but she has the potential to be a 'big girl'." Secure in his love for me and confidant that wouldn't happen, he replied, "Yes, I'm sure. Besides, Kay isn't the type of girl to let herself go."
My weight has been an issue my entire life but when I met Lee I was in pretty good shape; I wasn't tiny by any means though at 5'5, 150 pounds. I gained about twenty pounds before getting pregnant with our first child. Lee used to encourage me to go for walks and take time to exercise but he never teased me or made harsh jokes. And, as irony would have it, around the time I was trying to get serious about losing weight, I got pregnant--and I grew huge. Something I would learn years later made my husband feel embarrassed and ashamed of me and was one reason he used to stray.
Lee and I touched, hugged and kissed on a daily basis, even as I became a virtual balloon. Both of us made sacrifices and were appreciative of one another. I willingly gave up having a career and he willingly supported us on his own. We communicated regularly about current events, work, home life, and all things general from movies to the lives of family members.
I was not the best housekeeper but we didn't live in filth. Everyday when he came home from work he was greeted with a smooch. I cooked his dinners and made him lunch and breakfast each day. I've always enjoyed doing that for him and since I stayed at home, what kind of wife would I be not to? He was not a chauvinist pig, I didn't feel as though I "had" to please him--I wanted to.
Lee's never made me feel guilty for staying home--not even to this day. But, perhaps because he always told me he loved me and showed it through touch, and that we were still communicating, I built up a false security. We didn't have a perfect marriage, but I chalked up my dreams (nightmares) and the slight distance as "normal." What we were missing though was a deeper level of communication. Lee is a conflict avoider and his gentle gestures to help me want to lose weight were actually his first cry that something was about to go wrong, and it did....
To be continued January 30th
One of Lee's biggest fears (I didn't know this until years later) was that I would gain weight and become a "frumpy" housewife. His stepmother and best friend (at different times) asked, "Lee, are you sure you want to marry Kay? I know you love her but she has the potential to be a 'big girl'." Secure in his love for me and confidant that wouldn't happen, he replied, "Yes, I'm sure. Besides, Kay isn't the type of girl to let herself go."
My weight has been an issue my entire life but when I met Lee I was in pretty good shape; I wasn't tiny by any means though at 5'5, 150 pounds. I gained about twenty pounds before getting pregnant with our first child. Lee used to encourage me to go for walks and take time to exercise but he never teased me or made harsh jokes. And, as irony would have it, around the time I was trying to get serious about losing weight, I got pregnant--and I grew huge. Something I would learn years later made my husband feel embarrassed and ashamed of me and was one reason he used to stray.
Lee and I touched, hugged and kissed on a daily basis, even as I became a virtual balloon. Both of us made sacrifices and were appreciative of one another. I willingly gave up having a career and he willingly supported us on his own. We communicated regularly about current events, work, home life, and all things general from movies to the lives of family members.
I was not the best housekeeper but we didn't live in filth. Everyday when he came home from work he was greeted with a smooch. I cooked his dinners and made him lunch and breakfast each day. I've always enjoyed doing that for him and since I stayed at home, what kind of wife would I be not to? He was not a chauvinist pig, I didn't feel as though I "had" to please him--I wanted to.
Lee's never made me feel guilty for staying home--not even to this day. But, perhaps because he always told me he loved me and showed it through touch, and that we were still communicating, I built up a false security. We didn't have a perfect marriage, but I chalked up my dreams (nightmares) and the slight distance as "normal." What we were missing though was a deeper level of communication. Lee is a conflict avoider and his gentle gestures to help me want to lose weight were actually his first cry that something was about to go wrong, and it did....
To be continued January 30th
Did you miss Part III? Click here
Part III - Dreams of Betrayal
During Lee's Med Cruise we mailed letters filled with hopes and dreams for our marriage and continually professed our love. The months passed by and soon we were both anxious with anticipation to be together once again. When reunion day came we couldn't keep our hands of each other and spent every spare moment listening to music, taking weekend getaways, visiting his folks, etc. On March 8, 1992, Lee came to me and said, "Why wait until June to get married? Let's get married next week!" Stunned but so thrilled he still wanted to marry me I excitedly screamed, "YES!" We married one week later.
Before we married Lee and I had discussed children. Both of us were products of divorce and were still hurt because we missed our mothers as children. We wanted better--I depart the military and would stay home; he would be the bread winner. It wasn't a religious decision, it was one based on our thoughts of what having a happy family entailed.
We bought our first home when we were twenty-one. The love between Lee and I was still very much obvious but we did argue a bit more due to the stress of home ownership and bills. We also had quite a few petty arguments, nothing major, but what married couple doesn't? Our sex life was amazing and we communicated often. In 1993, we decided to try to get pregnant--we succeeded in November.
I woke up in sweats, glaring at my husband through tears because the dream felt so real. He was with a faceless woman, they laughed at me as I cried after him--it was the first in a sequence of nightmares to become reality....
Before we married Lee and I had discussed children. Both of us were products of divorce and were still hurt because we missed our mothers as children. We wanted better--I depart the military and would stay home; he would be the bread winner. It wasn't a religious decision, it was one based on our thoughts of what having a happy family entailed.
We bought our first home when we were twenty-one. The love between Lee and I was still very much obvious but we did argue a bit more due to the stress of home ownership and bills. We also had quite a few petty arguments, nothing major, but what married couple doesn't? Our sex life was amazing and we communicated often. In 1993, we decided to try to get pregnant--we succeeded in November.
I woke up in sweats, glaring at my husband through tears because the dream felt so real. He was with a faceless woman, they laughed at me as I cried after him--it was the first in a sequence of nightmares to become reality....
Part II - Drawn to Cheaters
Part I - Support For Those Who've Decided to Stay
Part II - Drawn to Cheaters
Tired of dating jerks, I had sworn off men forever at the ripe old age of twenty. A few weeks later my girlfriend coaxed me to go a club but I didn't want to go. Still in my "man-hating" stage, I reluctantly went but wore no makeup, a pair of shoddy jeans, and pulled my hair back completely from my face. I had put my beer on the bench seat behind me and turned around to grab it for another sip. It was then I saw the beautiful blue eyes that would capture my heart staring back at me.
I was greeted with a smile and for the first time ever I actually made the first move and asked him to dance and he said, "Yes." And that is where our whirlwind romance started. We began dating regularly, doing all the things young people do and then some. A short while later we professed our love for one another and moved into an apartment just four months after meeting.
Lee was due to go on a six month Med Cruise for the Navy. We'd only been living together two months. A week before he was due to leave he asked me to marry him. Without hesitation, I jumped at the opportunity and replied, "Yes!" Lee and I were going to marry the following June.
Looking back, I realize both of us rushed things a bit. Perhaps that was one of our downfalls--we really didn't "know" each other. Between my dad not picking my sister and I up often, after living with a stepfather who shattered my self-esteem with emotionally abusive words, and the fact that every boyfriend I'd ever had cheated on me, I wanted to feel loved--and Lee gave me what I needed.
When I lived in the barracks during our dating period, Lee called me several times daily and would drive forty-five minutes to see me on the weekends, on his motorcycle no less, and despite freezing temperatures. He was gorgeous (still is 19 years later); Lee could have easily spent time with a girl much closer if all he cared about was a piece of ass. In essence, his love for me felt genuine and it was.
He proudly introduced me to his parents, step-parents, half-sisters, and grandma. When he was gone for six months his family took me in. They used to go on about how they were so happy to see Lee finally happy and how excited they were to have me as their daughter-in-law. But, there was one person who questioned the kind of man Lee was--my then best friend Ellen. "Kay, you'd better be careful, he's one of 'those' guys and he will end up breaking your heart." Unfortunately, at the time I thought Ellen was just jealous and didn't give her warning serious consideration. It wouldn't be long before her concerns were justified...
To be continued...
Dreams of Betrayal....coming January 25th
Did you miss Part I? If so, click here
I was greeted with a smile and for the first time ever I actually made the first move and asked him to dance and he said, "Yes." And that is where our whirlwind romance started. We began dating regularly, doing all the things young people do and then some. A short while later we professed our love for one another and moved into an apartment just four months after meeting.
Lee was due to go on a six month Med Cruise for the Navy. We'd only been living together two months. A week before he was due to leave he asked me to marry him. Without hesitation, I jumped at the opportunity and replied, "Yes!" Lee and I were going to marry the following June.
Looking back, I realize both of us rushed things a bit. Perhaps that was one of our downfalls--we really didn't "know" each other. Between my dad not picking my sister and I up often, after living with a stepfather who shattered my self-esteem with emotionally abusive words, and the fact that every boyfriend I'd ever had cheated on me, I wanted to feel loved--and Lee gave me what I needed.
When I lived in the barracks during our dating period, Lee called me several times daily and would drive forty-five minutes to see me on the weekends, on his motorcycle no less, and despite freezing temperatures. He was gorgeous (still is 19 years later); Lee could have easily spent time with a girl much closer if all he cared about was a piece of ass. In essence, his love for me felt genuine and it was.
He proudly introduced me to his parents, step-parents, half-sisters, and grandma. When he was gone for six months his family took me in. They used to go on about how they were so happy to see Lee finally happy and how excited they were to have me as their daughter-in-law. But, there was one person who questioned the kind of man Lee was--my then best friend Ellen. "Kay, you'd better be careful, he's one of 'those' guys and he will end up breaking your heart." Unfortunately, at the time I thought Ellen was just jealous and didn't give her warning serious consideration. It wouldn't be long before her concerns were justified...
To be continued...
Dreams of Betrayal....coming January 25th
Did you miss Part I? If so, click here
Part I - Support For Those Who've Decided to Stay
My intention for sharing my story is not to gain sympathy or pity, after all, I've chosen to stay and try and reconcile my marriage. However, there are other betrayed spouses--male and female--in a similar situation, trying to make their marriage work despite adultery. We share an unfortunate commonality, one that includes tremendous pain and much growth--they are the people I'm reaching out to.
Those, like me, going over repeatedly in their minds:
Those, like me, going over repeatedly in their minds:
- What went wrong?
- How could I have prevented it?
- How could my husband possibly love me and do this?
- Am I responsible for his actions?
- Can we really work through this?
- Do I have to forgive to salvage my marriage first?
- Should I spy?
- What are his responsibilities?
- Should I get revenge on the woman or women?
- How do I deal with this hate?
- How do I make it through triggers?
- Should we tell the children?
- Will I ever be able to trust him again?
- And so much more.
Staying or leaving your partner when they've committed adultery is a personal choice, neither are easy decisions. My trust in my husband has been shattered. I'll be frank with you, I don't know if we will stay married. Only time can tell. For the time being, both of us want to try and reconcile our marriage. Make no mistake though, we are not rebuilding our marriage, for it was built upon lies. We need to build from the ground up. But first, a history of Lee and Kay.
Stay Tuned for Part II - Young And In Love... Drawn to Cheaters
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