A Stormy Marriage

Hubby and I have been getting to know one another for over 15 years and we're still learning things about each other as we grow together and individually.

It takes time for a marriage to reach a point where simple things aren't escalated to unnecessary heights. One day, you'll be able to laugh at things you use to get upset about. Things that irritate you about your spouse will soon be overlooked or go unnoticed.

Time heals, teaches, restores, and strengthens. In this passing of time, troubles WILL come - it's guaranteed.

As you read these posts, please don't think our marriage is storm free. We still go through, yet our storms are not as turbulent. We've learned from our storms and almost drowned in a few, but we survived!

Learning how to be the husband or wife your spouse needs takes time - a lot of time.

Put on your rain coat and your rain boots and grab your umbrella - the storm is coming, but rest assure...your storm will pass.


"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain." Author Unknown

What's For Dinner?

"What's for dinner?" Can't really explain this, but I truly dislike being asked this question when Hubby comes in from work. I think he has fun asking because it gets under my skin. Sometimes my response is, "Tongue." In other words, I didn't cook, so chew on your tongue or cook yourself. LOL

One day, Hubby came home to a cold kitchen. I had to do it - for myself. I actually enjoy having a hot meal waiting for him, but when a spouse begins to EXPECT things to be done, there's a problem. Hubby was opening and closing cabinets and the refrigerator like he was on a scavenger hunt for food.

I began to feel a little guilty, but why? Why in the world did I feel guilty for not cooking when I've done it every day since the day I retired? Hmph...I didn't like the feeling I had nor did I think it was fair to myself to feel that way, so that Friday was the beginning of all Fridays being a no cooking day for me.

Hubby will tell me continually, "You don't have to cook for me, I'll find something to eat." Although the sound of those cabinets opening and closing irritates me, he does find something and is quite capable of cooking.

Some couples share in the cooking, while others go with the flow from day to day, and unfortunately, there are some spouses who expect the wife to cook - "It's her job."

WRONG ANSWER.

I never read that in the married manual! This is a lie that has been passed down for years and years and many women actually believe this - I did also.

Chauvinism, sexism, and subservient views taught and allowed in the home, workplace, marriages, and even the church is not right. My opinion! Am I a feminist? No, I am a child of God.

I'm also raising boys, future fathers and husbands, and they will not expect their wife to cook for them.

Coming soon...I am my husband's helper

Domestic Duties

Some of our most heated discussions in our marriage have been about the roles of the husband and wife.

I have NEVER read anywhere that it is the husband's or the wife's responsibility to do all the domestic work - cook, clean, laundry, etc...

Hubby is about as old school as old school gets and has always believed it was the wife's job to do the housework while the husband went to work.

Well, my last two years in the military, hubby was a stay at home dad and did all housework and laundry, but for some reason I always came home to a frozen chicken! What the ....?

I really didn't mind at the time because I let him know I just wanted him to keep my babies safe and sound. I appreciated that he would lay his ego down while surrounded by neighbors who were women also staying home with the children.

It wasn't until I retired that I had a problem with him expressing to me what my role was.

Yes, I chose to stay home and homeschool the boys and hubby had a hot meal EVERY day he walked in the door until one day I decided NOT to cook...

To be continued...

Men Are Slobs!

One night, hubby and I were in the kitchen getting a snack and preparing to watch a movie together. The following is a short exchange of words we had in the kitchen.

Me - "Kevin, do you love me?"
Hubby - "Yes."
Me - "Will you do me a favor?"
Hubby - "Anything."
Me - "Will you wipe the counters off, so I can sit down and eat?"
Hubby - "Why do you want them wiped off?"
Me - looking at hubby like he has two heads - "Are you serious?"
Hubby - laughing at me
Me - "You're serious! Can I blog about this?"
Hubby - reaches for dish cloth and commences to wipe down the counters.

The answer to getting your spouse to clean up after themselves or to help clean PERIOD is to either do it yourself or be an example and hope that one year they begin to follow your lead. LOL

I'm aware that women can be as sloppy as men are, but "Men are slobs!" This is what my dear father told me yesterday after walking into the boys' room. He let them know he wasn't happy with the room and also told them it's wrong to expect a woman to clean their mess up.

A Man has confirmed it!!

Gosh, I love my father!

I Wanna Go Crazy

Hormones and Marriage DO NOT MIX.

Before - During - After

So, does this mean women get one good week being hormone free and maybe a chance at living chemically balanced.

Once a month, I turn into a single woman living a married life. Last night I looked at my husband and thought to myself...Who are you and what in the hell are you doing here?

This morning, I awoke and found my kitchen SPOTLESS clean and thought...Gosh, I love my husband!

The song below is quite appropriate for husbands and wives living with "the change" or just the "horror of hormones." I think you'll figure out which words I'm referring to. LOL

Oh, you don't experience this? Oh well, find another blog, this one is obviously NOT for you!

In case you can't hear the song...

I Wanna Go Crazy

3Cs of Marriage

I asked hubby what three things he would advise to keep the fire burning in a marriage and below are his 3Cs to marriage.

1. Caress
2. Communication
3. Christ

I changed number one to read 'caress' only because it sounds better, but hubby actually said, "Lots of sex." You get the picture, don't you? Men want sex - period.

Note that Christ was mentioned last, but I know he meant it to be number one, however, sex rules the minds of men (just my two cents).

I Can't Stand My Husband

A woman said this to me recently and I have to admit this same thought has crossed my mind in my earlier years of marriage. How in the world does a handsome, fun-loving man turn into an ugly stick in the mud? LOL

I have to laugh at this because this thought is common among many wives. It may not be a feeling that remains in our hearts and minds, but the thought pops in and out from time to time.

What causes such disturbed thoughts? Probably disturbed actions towards each other, unspoken and unresolved conflicts, hurt feelings, unmet needs, no quality time, becoming a low priority (low on the food chain), and a few other relationship woes. Trust me, there is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel, but please remember rainbows aren't visible without rain.

It will probably take YOU to seek and find the rainbow. I know, I know, why do you have to be the peacemaker? As a selfish and stubborn person myself, I can't stand living in strife and tension for days and days. Good grief, talk about this mess and move on! We can either learn to be humble and allow God to empower us to get over Self or we can be miserable.

I've been there before (many times) and it's not worth the 'unhappily' moments between you and your spouse. As Nike says, Just Do It. Show some simple acts of kindness, plan a date night, express your feelings (in the right tone), PRAY, PRAY, and PRAY.

If you believe God brought you together, make it happen and enjoy being TOGETHER not separate! God doesn't change his mind, people do.

It's Hard

Yes, marriage is hard and if we knew what we were getting into, there would be very few marriages.

For those of you new to marriage, I'm glad you found your way here. Sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to about your marital issues and it's even more difficult to find someone who will not judge you for what you're feeling. The early years are difficult as you find out things you didn't have a clue about (smile). Trust me - it gets better.

Each year of our marriage was a learning experience. First, I had to learn what love really was, then I had to learn forgiveness, then patience, then compassion, then humility, then I had to retake each of these relationship classes again as I went through a different storm. It never ends, but we get a little stronger as we endure each storm. Our character is formed, our faith gets stronger, our love for one another grows deeper, and on and on and on.... I have to be honest and say there have been times I've felt like giving up the fight and other times I just knew I married the wrong person, but I'm still here - living happily in my 'unhappily' moments.

I've obtained two pieces of valuable advice that I continually use in my marriage. One is from my pastor - "The only way you lose is if you give up" and the other is from my father - "Don't take it personal."

We sometimes forget our spouse's emotions and comments are not always about us. They have personal battles and daily issues that don't concern us. Baggage from childhood and a life before we married them is brought into the marriage and we must learn to accept this. Everything is not about us although at times it feels things are being taken out on us! Unfortunately, a spouse is often a scapegoat.

Giving up is definitely the only way we can lose at marriage. Throwing our hands in the air is so easy, but I can honestly say, I'm glad I stayed in the battle. I'm glad I endured the tough times when I THOUGHT I wanted my freedom. I THOUGHT I could do bad by myself, but when the storms pass, they are forgotten - at least until the next one comes (lol).

Instead of throwing my hands in the air to give up, I keep them in the air to praise, which confuses the HECK out of the enemy!

Marriage really is a wonderful thing. Yes, it's hard, but we're here to offer hope.

Giving Without Return

We hear over and over that marriage is about give and take, but I believe it's about giving, giving, and giving some more.

This doesn't mean you won't receive anything in return, but to look for a return is a set up for disappointment. Showing affection, giving gifts, acts of kindness, and words of affirmation should be offered with the true spirit of giving, which means not looking for anything in return.

Is this difficult? Of course it is. Will you feel used? Well, yea if you're looking for something in return, but I believe with all my heart that you reap what you sow.

Think about this...a woman has a baby and finds complete joy in giving this baby everything he or she needs knowing the baby can't do a thing for her in return. She knows she will be exhausted at the end of the day, yet continues to give, and give, and give.

Now, this same woman gets married but something happens to her spirit of giving without return. Is it because the baby is helpless or is it the woman's mindset of giving? Is the woman's spirit of giving conditional or does she have a right to 'expect' a return in her marriage?

Hmmm...just something to think about.

Welcome

There isn't a marriage that exists without some troubles, baggage, or as I like to call it...marital mess.

I use to think it was just my marriage that went through the storms of matrimony until I parted the curtains in my home and allowed others to feel comfortable parting their curtains - juuuust a little bit. Marriage is sacred and what goes on behind your closed doors is your business, but please know...we already know some of your mess simply because...you're married!

It doesn't matter if you're Buddhist, Christian, Jehovah's Witness, or a non-believer...your marriage endures some 'unhappily' from time to time. Needless to say...no marriage is perfect.

This blog was created only to let you know...you are not alone. Within this blog, my husband and I will periodically share some of our matrimony moments and ultimately share how God (yes, we are believers) always gets the glory - even in our mess.

When you visit UN Happily Married, you don't have to pretend...we already know...

• You aren't always happy.
• Marriage is a job requiring overtime hours.
• Some days you dislike your spouse.
• There is a thin line between love and hate.
• Some days you're in love and other days you wonder if you love your spouse at all.
• There are days you probably wish you were single.
• Many wives desire more time with their husband
• Many husbands desire more time away from home - I said many, not all. My husband has admitted that it is hard for some men to stay home. It's just the nature of men with nothing personal against the wife.

We also know there is nothing more you desire than a happy, peaceful, loving marriage without the unhappily days, but such a marriage is non-existence.

After 15 years of marriage, my own marital mess has come to a place of peace in spite of our individual and combined mess. Did it take 15 years? Yes, every day of it (lol) and we're still learning and growing together. There are days (hormones and lack of rest dictate) when I don't feel like playing the part of a wife and I KNOW there are days I drive my husband cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but this doesn't change our love for one another.

We may not like each other every day, but we made a vow for the long haul. The haul seems long and laborious sometimes, but we're on this journey together.

This blog is a place to come when you have those moments of 'unhappily' and to be reminded that you are not alone.

This is not a place to receive counsel. It is a place to receive encouragement and support and maybe even a few laughs as we share some of our own marital mess.

Yeah, we're a little different and we've accepted that, and it sure feels good admitting we are just one crazy couple striving to stay alive as we endure our daily warfare living together as one.