Do You Know?

Favorite color, favorite food, favorite television show, etc... We probably know these things about our spouse, but do we know what they like in the area of intimacy? Many couples tend to assume they know how to please their spouse, but they aren't called fantasies for nothing!

Sex isn't a dinner table topic, but it should definitely be discussed. Have you asked your spouse what their desires are? Do you know? Do you care? LOL!

I know what hubby's likes and dislikes are, but he has to remind me FREQUENTLY. Why? Because I allow complacency to settle in this area, but he does a great job reminding me!

For the ladies with the 'I have a headache' or 'just get it over with' attitude....take care of your business or....well...someone may be waiting in the wind to take care of it for you!

Complacent romance and unmet sexual needs lead to doors we do NOT want to open.

If you haven't asked your spouse about his/her needs and desires lately, place it on your to-do list. Also, remember that as couples mature and grow older, needs and desires change.
Your spouse may not have the same wants as when you first married.

Needs and wants are obviously different with men and women, but with communication, I'm sure you and your spouse can find the merriment in the middle.

Forgiveness After Adultery

Bless his heart. Tiger Woods is back home and now the never-ending work begins to rebuild the marriage.

My heart goes out to any marriage dealing with infidelity. If hubby has ever had an affair, I believe God has not allowed me to be aware of it because I'd be gone - history. It's the ultimate betrayal and I think a wife or husband is more than courageous to even THINK about trusting again. I'm not sure I have it in me and yes, it would have to be an act of God for me to stay.

Never say never - I know. I realize I don't know what I'd do until actually in the situation, but right now - today - after all I've already been through... I'm sorry, but you gotta go. Enough is enough! I'm exhausted even thinking about going through a storm of infidelity.

I have several friends who have fought for their marriage after infidelity and are traveling the difficult road to trust again. I thank God they are in my life as examples because I come from a family of women who pop their skirt and keep walking - away to the next man. Uh...sorry, why in the heezie would I want another man?

As I continue to say over and over - to each his own. YOU are the one to live with your decision, so don't let anyone influence your choice or the destiny of the marriage.

The true story we've been following about a wife who is traveling the road of forgiveness and trust offers a few tips for wives who have discovered adultery and chosen to stay. When time permits, read I don't believe dad. I think he's still cheating on you.

unHappy Wives

Unfortunately, I know more unhappy wives than I do happy wives. I asked hubby why he thought so many wives were unhappy and his reply was, "Somebody isn't doing their job."

I did a little research and noticed the most frequent post visited on this site was titled Neglected Husbands. I continued my research and noticed the most googled words to bring visitors to this site were - unhappily married, neglected husband, spouse neglect - Hmmm...dare I try to come to a conclusion?

Hubby and I talked a little more about this and there is a very simple concept we came up with that has helped our marriage. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Sounds crazy, but it's true.
The more we are loved, the more we reciprocate love. The more you sacrifice for me, the more I'll sacrifice for you. If you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Everyone wants to be loved and admired and this is the problem - we WAIT to be loved and admired instead of INITIATING love and admiration.

It's an easy concept when the spouse is easy to love, but if you're married to a stick in the mud grump doing his or her own thing and ignoring the heck out of you and maybe even disrespecting you, showing love requires major effort - almost an out of body experience.

I hate to bring sex into the picture, but it sure is a driving force in marriage. If sex isn't happening, the marriage isn't happening and guaranteed to suffer in some form or fashion.

However intimacy is defined in your marriage - have it - lots of it. is a man's medicine and he'll die without it. Yeah, I said it.

No Friends Allowed!

A personal experience on friendship in marriage.

Telephone rings

Me: Hello

Woman Caller: May I speak to Kevin?

Me: Sure, who's speaking?

Woman caller turns into ignorant caller: I asked to speak to Kevin (with attitude!)

Me: hesitation - Just a minute. Hands hubby the phone and tells him to take care of his ignorant FRIEND.

Hubby: Begins conversation with ignorant caller and it's quite obvious he doesn't know how to tell his ignorant FRIEND she crossed the line in our new marriage. After all, they were FRIENDS!

Hubby: still talking

Me: looking at hubby like he's growing another bald head

Me: Decided to be the helpmate I was called to be, so I snatched the phone from hubby and HELPED him with his difficult situation. I explained to ignorant FRIEND that hubby is now married and please don't call and disrespect our home anymore.

Ignorant caller: explains she and hubby were FRIENDS before we married. She had the nerve to emphasize "BEFORE"

Me: can't say what I wanted to say, but kindly ended the conversation and hung up the phone because I realized I was dealing with a woman with no respect or understanding of MARRIAGE.

At church the very next day (YES, she went to church with us), this ignorant caller sat right in front of me and didn't say a word or acknowledge my presence. Ha! church folk! I made sure she saw me and I spoke to her. I wanted to snatch her hair and throw her with all her holy ignorance across the pews, but remembered I was supposed to have the mind of worship and not whipping behind. &^%$#!!!!!

Platonic relationships in marriage DO NOT WORK!

We're Just Friends - Yeah, Right!

Platonic Relationships

I really should open the floor for comments on this one. So many different opinions based on experiences. The only experience I have is my own and I vote NO - no such animal as a platonic relationship in a marriage. I've tried it and it doesn't work.

Sure, if you have friends of the opposite sex that you only see or speak to once every blue moon then this type friendship is safe - it can exist, but to see a friend of the opposite sex OFTEN and meet for an occasional dinner or drink and chit chat on the phone - NO WAY!

Someone's emotions will cross the magic line. Someone will fall in love or desire more time. Someone's attraction will grow waaaaay past the friendship attraction line. It's the nature of - human nature - it's bound to happen!

Years ago, I listened to a conversation with a married couple I use to babysit for. The husband believed a platonic relationship could work and the wife disagreed. After listening to both sides, I agreed with the husband. I was only in high school, but my young mind couldn't understand the wife's reasoning. Good grief woman, you can't have friends? What's wrong with you? Well, a few years later I joined the Navy and realized why this wife felt the way she did. A man's definition of 'friend' is different from a woman's definition. Men SLEEP with their friends! LOL!

Unfortunately, while overseas, I also received news that this couple divorced. Hmmm....wish I could share the details with you, but let's just say...platonic relationships in a marriage DO NOT work!

I had a friend from high school contact me and I was thrilled to hear from him. We were great friends in school. The phone calls became more frequent and I begin to feel uncomfortable. I had to end the calls. I was married and so was he. It just wasn't right. Although he didn't see any harm in our talking, I followed my instinct. I thought about hubby's feelings and better would I feel if some woman kept calling the house for him? Excuse me? You MUST have the wrong number! There must be a high level of respect in marriage.

Remember the song Just a Friend?

Oh Baby, yooooou. You got what I neeeeed. But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend. Oh baby yoooou. You got what I neeeeed. But you say he's just a friend, but you say he's just a friend.

Beware of Emotional Affairs

Hubby doesn't have a Facebook page, but I do. He knows my password and will occasionally get on to search for old schoolmates and friends. I usually suggest he get his own page, but he's completely content using mine. Whatever!

We have separate email addresses and although I use Outlook and it's easily accessed without a password, he has a Hotmail account that I don't have access to nor do I care to.

The Internet is a beautiful tool and does wonders for my business, but if not careful, can be hell on my marriage. The Internet is an open door to relationships that seem to just pop up like unwanted ads. These pop up affairs happen out of nowhere. An occasional exchange of words or the need for a listening ear can lead to sinking sand. Before you know it, you're having an emotional affair with an old friend or maybe even a stranger. Facebook friends can lead to strong emotional bonds, which eventually hurts intimacy in the marriage.

If you haven't discussed Internet use with your spouse, you might want to. I tell hubby all the time that I'm an open book - I have nothing to hide. I do much of my work on the computer after everyone goes to bed because it is quiet. If the trust between hubby and I were shaky, this would never work. There is nothing worse than waking up at two or three o'clock in the morning and finding your spouse on the Internet.

If you feel discussing this isn't necessary in your marriage, that's fine, but if there is a feeling in your gut of some strange or inappropriate Internet usage going on - don't ignore it. I consider an emotional affair infidelity without sex while others may see no harm in it. To each his own, but hubby won't be chatting with Lonely in Las Vegas in this house!

Coming next - Are platonic relationships possible in a marriage?

Masturbation in Marriage - Is it okay?

The Red Flags post brought much discussion to my email and I appreciate those who aren't afraid to be honest. How boring it would be if we all thought the same!

Masturbation is more common that I was aware of in my private, little reserved world and it seems many therapist encourage couples not to make a big deal about masturbation if both husband and wife communicate their needs and accept that masturbation is okay and healthy for THEIR marriage, yet another group says masturbation is wrong and unhealthy in marriage.

I'd like to share an email I received:

"Masturbation is a very good thing! My husband travels and I would NOT have made it through months of separation and he wouldn't have either! Masturbation is MUCH better than turning to someone else for satisfaction and I'm so glad there is that option."

Below are a couple of websites I came across as I did some research on masturbation in marriage before sharing this post. There are pros and cons, so once again - find out what works best in YOUR marriage. Communication is key!

Can Masturbation Ruin a Marriage?

The Marriage Bed

Do You Know The Red Flags?

In the previous post, I mentioned giving "Every Man's Challenge" to my husband to read and how it took him months to pick it up and actually read it. What man wants to stop lusting, masturbating, and viewing porn? Well, I believe most do, but studies show that 83% of men will do anything to avoid dealing with problems in their marriages (Every Man's Challenge).

A wife can desperately pray for her husband to change and express her desires to him for years and years while he shows little to no response to her desires. He's got to make up his mind to live a life of sexual purity. Every Man's Challenge is spiritually based, yet not only for married men - single men and even women can benefit also. It not only deals with sexual battles, but many more. Reading the book helped me tremendously.

Below are Red Flags mentioned in the book that help to know if you or your spouse is dealing with sexual immorality. I added all italicized words.

  • Do you daydream about other women/men?

  • Are you finding your wife/husband to be less sexually satisfying?

  • When making love to your wife/husband, does another face flash across your mind?

  • Do you flirt - and know you're doing it?

  • Have you told your wife that she is too overweight to turn you on?

  • Do you have sexual interests or behaviors that you can't share with your wife/husband?

  • Do you communicate deeply with a person of the opposite sex in an Internet chat room?

  • Do you channel-surf hoping to glimpse something racy on television? Do you catch yourself watching voyeuristic shows like elimiDate?

  • Do you watch women's figure skating or women's beach volleyball on television, although you have little interest in these sports? Hmmm....

  • Do you turn on exercise shows just so you can enjoy those closeups of participants' breasts, rear ends, and inner thighs?

  • Do you rent videos or go to the movies where you can watch other people having sex?

  • Do you think about old girlfriends/boyfriends when things aren't going so well at home?

  • Do you dream about hot scenes with other women/men at night?

There were more red flags on the list, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Some may disagree with the list or think it's downright ridiculous, but as for hubby and I - our standards are high in the area of respect for one another in our marriage. We've been down this road of sexual immorality in our marriage and trust me, sexual purity in marriage is another world we both enjoy and benefit from.

Your marriage may be more lenient as to what is allowed. As I've stated before, find what works best for your marriage and make it work, but you can't say you didn't know what some of the red flags were!

When Looking Turns to Lusting

These Victoria Secret models come into our home quite frequently without invitation. They parade around the television screen in skimpy, revealing bras and panties looking right into the eyes of my husband.

Hubby and I have very open conversations about the temptations men experience and the thin line between looking and lusting. I use to get upset when he looked at other women, but years of his 'looking' allowed me to realize this is what men do and there is no escaping it.
When looking turns to lust and lusting turns into masturbation is when the serious problem arises. If a man says he doesn't struggle with desires to look at beautiful, sexy women, he is not telling the truth (my opinion). I was convinced of this by my father, hubby, and the book, Every Man's Challenge. Did you read the title correctly? It says EVERY man's challenge - yes, your man too.

A wife once told me her husband didn't have this struggle. "Great!" I said, and walked away thinking how deceived and ignorant she was to her husband being a man. Maybe she was in denial or maybe her husband is gay, but I WANT my husband to look at other women. It's when looking turns to lust is when the problem begins.

Hubby mentioned how women are constantly thrown in front of men while they simply try to enjoy a televised sporting event or a good movie. The commercial begins and there she is...licking her fingers while eating a hamburger, lotioning her long legs, washing her hair while moaning, or if they're lucky, the Victoria Secret girls will make an appearance.

Men struggle constantly with uninvited reminders of their strong, sexual desires. I believe it's my role as hubby's helper to help him with this issue. How did I help hubby? I purchased the book, Every Man's Challenge and read it myself. I then gave it to hubby. It took him months and months to pick the book up and read it, but he did - finally. Does he still struggle? Of course, but he knows what to do when those thoughts come. He's more aware and so am I.

More on this topic coming!

Parting Our Communication Curtains

Hubby was off work today and had an early appointment and a few errands to run.

Below is our morning conversation:

Me: Hey! Since you're off work today, you can take Firstborn to school!
Hubby: Uh....

Me: I sure would love you for it!

Hubby: I know you would.

Me: Well, would you, could you for a bear? Would you, could you, show you care?

Hubby: Uh...what are you going to be doing... just sitting at home?

Me: LOL Hysterically Uh....does that bother you?

Hubby: I get a day off and you want me to go all the way to the other side of town in the opposite direction of where I'm going? You would do that to me on my day off?

Me: laughing hysterically again - even louder. Can I blog about this?

Hubby: No, I'm not taking him. I know you would love me for it, but no, not today.

Me: Okay, repeat what you said again because I want to get this right on the blog. You're funny!

I walk into the kitchen to cook breakfast.

Later: Hubby walks in and says, "I'll take him."

Me: Silently screaming, mentally doing cartwheels while flipping pancakes. THANK YOU!

Working On Marriage

"Whew! Get another wife. I'm tired!"

That statement sounds so ugly, but I've said it before - in my mind. Hubby is high-maintenance and I must admit, I've gotten pretty tired of meeting his special needs as a man and as my husband. I mention in my book how a wife is called to be a helper to her husband, but can hardly help herself!

When I think about it, there have been plenty of other projects and endeavors that I've poured my heart and soul into and did whatever it took to make it work. Marriage is no different, but we tend to get comfortable with the one thing most important to us - our spouse.
Careers, education, social clubs, new businesses, ministry, you name it, when we want something bad enough we do whatever is necessary to make it work.

Marriage requires the same, if not more, energy, time, hard work, perseverance, and determination. How much time did you put in your job yesterday? How much time did you put in your marriage yesterday? We reap what we sow, so if things are not dandy like candy in our marriage, it's time to pull the sleeves up and work a little harder.

The un-happy moments we experience in matrimony are great reminders of the time we put into our marriage. The un-happy moments are like shocks of electricity that we need to do what is necessary to step back and re-evaluate our actions.

Get to work! Don't sleep on the job! Put in some overtime!
Do whatever it takes to make it work!

Of course we'll get tired, but we've got to keep on pushing!