Don't Let Religion Run Your Husband Away

As a spiritual woman, I strive to become more Christ-controlled in all my actions - especially towards hubby. What I don't want to do is drive hubby away as I 'get closer' to God.
Church-going wives sometimes have difficulty in this area. We cross the line from living a holy life to being holier than thou husband.

I have to remind myself (still) that I am not my husband's self appointed judge. I use to think I was doing the right thing by quoting scripture, correcting, and being an example to hubby. Oh yea, I was being an excellent example - of how to be a hypocrite. I was so holy that I was no earthly good - to anyone.

The conversation in my marriage, the sex, intimacy, fun, and everything else was sucked out of it because I didn't know how to be a fun-loving, Christian wife.

I'm much better now. I may not like the horror and guts hubby enjoys watching, but I will sit and watch TV with him (sometimes), instead of saying what the Bible says about it. I have my limits and he knows what they are.

I may not agree with some of the food or the amount hubby eats, but instead of telling him to take better care of his temple, I'll just shut up and not hide the cookies I'll eat later. I don't eat pork, chicken, or beef, but I'll kill for chocolate.

I may not want to try fun things in the bedroom, but the missionary position gets old to a man. Have you ever heard that a man likes a lady on his arm during the day and a freak in the bed at night. Church women don't like to hear this, but many men will agree this is true.
Sometimes we gotta mount that horse and ride in the night.

Relax a little, laugh instead of complain, recognize your own faults, throw that stiff necked shirt away, make a mud pie instead of being the stick in the mud, leave God's son ALONE, learn to love and accept him right where he is because this is the example of the love and forgiveness that draws a husband closer to his wife.

If you think I was holier than thou, you must read this true story we've been following.

Crazy Conflict in Marriage

Frequency of sex, how to spend money, how to discipline the children, practicing religion...or not, etc....

CONFLICT. Many marriages are ashamed or afraid to admit that conflict lives in their marriage. If you have a normal marriage, you have to have conflict. The only way to not have conflict in your marriage is to be married, but live separate lives - "You do your thing, and I'll do mine." I've actually said this to hubby before during one of our heated arguments discussions.

Conflict is a good thing and very important in a marriage! Well, let me put it this way - there is good conflict and there is bad conflict. How we handle our conflict is the key!

Marriage calls for two people with their own brain, ideas, and thoughts to make decisions together, solve problems, handle misunderstandings, and deal with miscommunication. If you sometimes argue, have disagreements, and think your spouse is crazy for some of the things they say and do, then you have a normal marriage - as abnormal as it seems.

Hubby and I are different in MANY areas of our life. When he's hot, I'm cold. When he's hungry, I'm not. He likes to spend, I like to save. He believes in living for the moment, I believe in planning for the future. He eats all types of meat, I eat only fish. He likes kool-aid, I like tea. He's a pack rat, I like to throw away. He likes science fiction, I like true stories. He likes buffet, I like to be served. I could go on, and on, and on, but how we deal with our likes and dislikes and our many differences of opinion on a DAILY basis is what will strengthen or break down our marriage.
Go ahead, enjoy that heated discussion, but keep the heat manageable. Conflict is crazy, but it's a part of a normal marriage.

Treat Me Like A Stranger!

Have you ever thought about how you talk to your spouse? I mean really thought about it. Now, think about how you talk to your co-workers or people you deal with from day to day - especially in public places.

Isn't it funny how we turn it on for those co-workers that are difficult to get along with? What about the ones we flat out dislike and wish we didn't have to work with at all. We do what is necessary to get through the day with a half way pleasant demeanor without causing conflict.

At home, it can be a different story. If we feel like being a grump, we're a grump. If we don't feel like talking, we let that be known, but those co-workers will get a fake smile, a decent conversation, and maybe even an insincere laugh or two. Why is this?

I remember having this conversation with hubby one day. He came home from work very tired and I'm sure he just wanted to relax and unwind; he probably smiled and practiced being cordial all day long. His answers were short, so I asked him if we could play the stranger game. In other words, let's pretend we're strangers because we talk to strangers and co-workers a lot better than we talk to each other. Was I being sensitive? Maybe, but it's the truth. If we can turn it on at work, let's turn it on at home.

Granted, home is supposed to be the place where you can unwind, be yourself, and take off the I like you mask, but let's not forget the most important person in our life is our spouse. Our spouse is there for us (should be) when nobody else will be there. Our spouse knows our dirt and our secrets. Our spouse knows what nobody else knows. Our spouse loves us when we take off the mask.

Let's turn it on for our spouse and pretend we're strangers. I'm a witness...this one works. LOL!

We Don't Wear Wedding Rings

After reading Part XIII of the True Series of a Wife Discovering Adultery, hubby and I thought we'd share something about ourselves most couples frown upon. No, we aren't swingers!

We decided not to wear wedding rings about a year ago. GASP! What?!

You read it correctly, we stopped wearing wedding rings a while ago because there was so much tension when the rings came off. Hubby's job requires him to remove his ring often, which was fine with me - as long as he put it back on. One day his ring broke, and the mere mention of me purchasing another ring brought up MUCH conversation that led to me taking mine off. What was my issue with our wedding rings? Did the wedding rings add a level of trust or commitment to our marriage or were we wearing the rings for those outside our marriage?

You know what? If an object is going to cause that much confusion, get rid of it!

We are now in a place in our marriage that doesn't require an object of faithfulness or affection. It's not about what's on our finger, but about what's in our heart. Wearing or not wearing rings really isn't about trusting your spouse, but about trusting yourself.

I asked myself several questions...

  • Does a so-called symbol of matrimony define our marriage

  • Why do I feel better when hubby wears his ring?

  • Are our rings defense mechanisms from adulterous acts?

  • Do I feel differently when I don't have my ring on? Why?

  • Does my level of trust change when hubby isn't wearing his ring?

  • Why do I put so much emphasis on where his ring is? Where his heart is should be my concern!
  • Did I make my vows to God or to my rings?

Needless to say...I feel FREE without a wedding ring - FREE from the bondage of what the ring is supposed to represent. FREE from the bondage of my expectations of a tangible object.

If a wedding ring has so much power, why are there so many divorces and so much infidelity going on - even more so in the church - where the ring is supposed to be sacred? Hmmm...

Should I Confront My Spouse?

Missing money, excessive cell phone calls, pornography, drugs, infidelity, alcohol, laziness, late nights at the office, lies, etc...

Whatever your spouse's black hole is, confronting them at the right time and place with the right words is crucial.

I was always hesitant about confronting (regarding any issue) because I didn't know WHAT to say. Some spouses will confront immediately out of anger, yet this only adds tension to an already difficult confrontation. If you don't have a solution lined up, what do you expect to resolve? If you aren't a qualified counselor in the particular area, are you ready to receive the truth, lies, denial, an argument of defense, or a request for help?

Spiritual couples have to learn to trust the Holy Spirit in the spouse to do the confronting. When you think about it, God really does NOT need our help, but we feel it's our job to confront and correct. Don't get me wrong, communication is important, but communicating with the right words is even more important.

There is no doubt, you will be led to say exactly what is necessary at the right time, in the right place, with the right heart, and the right words if you depend on God to handle His child.

If you want to handle things on your own, be ready for anything and everything!

If you choose not to confront, your spouse may continue slipping deeper into the black hole.
Accountablity is so important in marriage - in every area.
Don't have a black hole also. You may not think it is as extreme as your spouse's issue, but God doesn't weigh or label our issue. He LOVES us regardless of what the issue is and is ready to love and forgive with no conditions. Are you?

We're Still Married!

"We're still married!"
This is what I said to hubby this morning when he wished me a happy anniversary. Yep, today is our 16th wedding anniversary and it is only by the grace of God that we are still married.

I know we wouldn't have a thing to celebrate today if we had not shared the gift of forgiveness with each other.

A few years ago while at church, a guest preacher challenged everyone to search their heart regarding forgiveness. He mentioned harboring unforgiveness breaks our fellowship with God. There is nothing worse in my book than hindering my relationship with God, so I searched my heart with great humility. No person came to mind except my husband who was at home. I can't remember what was going on between us, but we were definitely going through a serious storm. I don't even think we were speaking. I hate living in tension, but we are both stubborn people, so we were waiting on each other to make a move.

I remember driving home and crying so hard I could hardly see. I didn't want to ask for forgiveness or give forgiveness, but I needed to do both. I didn't think I had anything to ask for forgiveness about, but I had to suffocate Miss Flesh who was overflowing with pride and false holiness.

Hubby was in the bed when I got home, so I was relieved. Good, I don't have to do this tonight.

I then remembered the preacher said to forgive TONIGHT and not let another day pass. Sigh...

I mustered up some nerves, prayed, and walked into our bedroom and told hubby I had something to say. He answered in a way that let me know he wasn't asleep anyway.

Well, I told him what happened in church and how I felt the need to ask for forgiveness and to offer forgiveness for everything that has ever happened in our marriage - known and unknown acts. It was short and sweet and not as painful as I thought it would be and Hubby graciously accepted the unexpected gift of forgiveness.

Minutes later, hubby and the boys and I were in the kitchen talking and laughing like nothing ever happened. I promise you, not only was our marriage restored, but the entire family was restored - suddenly.

That night of forgiveness in our home was like a night of breaking down steel walls. Did we ever have to forgive again? Of course, but this night showed me the awesome power of forgiveness in a way I had never experienced. Not only did it free hubby, but it freed me - to live in peace. It also showed me how God can move mountains if I move my prideful, judgemental, selfish ways out of His way. Ouuuuch, that hurts!

Love really does conquer all and forgiveness is one of the greatest acts of love.

Picture Perfect Marriage

The picture of Tiger Woods and his wife kissing is a little blurry, but isn't this the case with most marriages? You see one thing, but the reality of another couple's marriage is a blur to everyone else. Behind closed doors is a life of reality of two people learning to love one another through the many bumps and bruises of the game of life they play.

Could you? Would you?
Forgive or not?
With all my recent talk about the power of forgiveness, I'm not sure how I would handle this one. The RIGHT thing to do would be to forgive, but that doesn't mean I have to remain married does it? Or does it?

The bottom line is, only YOU can make this decision. Only YOU are the one who has to live with the decision. Only YOU are the one that has to deal with the constant replays in your mind of the betrayal. Only YOU are the one that has to sleep with him/her at night. Only YOU would be denying yourself of freedom if you don't forgive. Only YOU would miss out on the change forgiveness can bring about in your marriage IF you forgive. Only YOU know the depth of your love for your spouse. reap what you sow.

Forgiving Your Spouse

Forgiveness is the most powerful tool I know in marriage. It has changed several things SUDDENLY in our marriage.

Even when I didn't think I had anything to ask for forgiveness about, asking for forgiveness opened amazing doors in our relationship.

When we've betrayed, lied, or done or said something to hurt our spouse, we don't expect immediate forgiveness. We naturally look for anger, ugly words, silence, and a few other hurtful yet deserving acts.

The act of forgiveness is so powerful because it shows love when love isn't deserved and love conquers EVERYTHING - I believe this with all my heart.

It doesn't matter if your spouse is doing something you don't agree with, has done something in the past that you can't forget, or has made choices unacceptable to you - they deserve forgiveness. Even if you are contemplating divorce, forgiveness changes the heart.

If you spend much of your time thinking of the actions of your spouse that anger you, you definitely need to forgive. Not only are you wasting precious mental space and time, but you are keeping yourself from moving forward in life! I know!

These constant unforgiving thoughts eventually will cause great stress, which leads to unnecessary health problems. Don't let unforgiveness kill you! Kill your spouse with love and forgiveness.

Coming next... A powerful forgiving moment that saved our marriage.

Love Yourself

I am well aware that yesterday was a very difficult day for many spouses - male and female.

If you had an okay day, thank God for it, but there are many couples who didn't, thus the reason for UN Happily Married.

As I mentioned before, I choose not to celebrate Valentine's Day to protect myself from being disappointed by my own expectations. I really hate dislike Valentine's Day because it stirs up so many sad emotions among a lot of people. What's the purpose? Why can't we show love everyday? I sure do try and it makes these once a year celebrations a whole lot easier to live through.

For the sake of my sons' future wives, I have to show them that their Mama isn't a woman completely crazy and void of emotion, so for breakfast everyone received a heart shaped pancake for breakfast and I baked our favorite chocolate cake for dinner - dessert of course. As far as exchanging gifts, cards, or special love taps between hubby and I - there was none and I was happy about it. It would have been a slap in my face if he had done anything out of the ordinary. I'm sorry, that's the way I see this man-made day and I'm glad it's over!

If you were disappointed, why not begin today by loving yourself. Why wait for the actions of another person to make you feel special and loved? You might be waiting a long time!

Living in a house full of men has definitely taught me that a man is going to take care of himself, so since I couldn't beat them, I joined them! I'm taking care of ME also!! Everyday, I do something special for ME. These small 'do me' treats don't cost a penny, but they are worth gold to my Self and my peace of mind!


Happy Valentine's Day

Loving yourself will free you to love your spouse ...

today and everyday!

Rape Me!

Hubby: "Did you come to bed last night?"

Me: "Yes, you didn't know?"

Hubby: "No."

Me: "My goodness, I could have raped you and you wouldn't have known it."

Hubby: "Rape me!"

If you don't receive anything else from UN Happily Married, know that sex is crucial in marriage.

If you aren't having sex because of discord or being in the middle of a 'dry' or 'stormy' season, just do it! HAVE SEX!

Sex may be what is needed to draw you and your spouse back together. If it's been a while, surprise your spouse with a special Valentine's gift...yourself!

Don't Be So Predictable!

This morning as I was saying goodbye to hubby, I wrapped my leg around him and kissed him goodbye. His eyes lightened up and he said, "Wow, where is that in the bedroom?"

I told my dear hubby that sex must begin in the morning, not just at night. I think it was the leg being wrapped around him that caught him off guard - I've never done that before - it wasn't the usual predictable kiss goodbye.

To keep a marriage from going stale, try something new! Be unpredictable! This doesn't mean ONLY the bedroom!

One of my most favorite songs is actually titled Unpredictable. I love it and often sing it to hubby to let him know....uh....can we do something else besides sit and watch t.v.? LOL!

I apologize if the content of the video offends you; try to concentrate on the words.

Are You Taking Care Of Business?

Husband or wife... Can you sing this song and know your words are true?

It's true that some men/women are just never satisfied, but all you can do is your part.

A Neglected Husband

As a wife and mother, it's so easy to pay attention to the little people's needs before I meet the needs of hubby. We were married for waaay tooooo many years before I realized hubby's needs needed to come before the children's. I didn't understand this at first. How in the world was I supposed to meet the needs of a grown man before I changed a diaper or fed my children? Well, that's it...those aren't the needs that are begging for attention. Remember, being a helper is a little deeper than we think.
As for the husbands. It's also easy to be that strong father figure and forget a tender woman is behind the scenes needing love and attention also. We'll address this in another post.
What are the signs of a neglected husband? Do you know? If not, why not ask your husband if he ever feels neglected or at the bottom of the food chain in your home.

I hate to say it, but I will. Men are big boys all grown up and yes, they want undivided attention also.

If most men have their physical needs met, they are good to go all day and night. Others may desire more quality time with you. Then there are some that need to be stroked emotionally more than others. The key is to find out what makes your husband tick.

Below is a short conversation hubby and I had about husband neglect.

Me: "Do you ever feel neglected?"

Hubby: thinking and smiling

Me: "Is it a physical neglect?"

Hubby: "No, we already conquered sex, so I guess not. Oh yea, when you fall asleep when we're watching a movie." husband's number one love language is without a shadow of a doubt - physical touch. It's good to know what husbands need. When hubby and I took a course titled The Five Love Languages, it enhanced our marriage in so many ways. When we follow the principles taught in the book, it's like being a newlywed couple all over again.

Find out what your husband's love language is here.

Do You Need Heart Surgery?

If this picture looks a little gross to your or maybe just plain nasty, just think if we could see our ugly actions and thoughts on our hearts. Now THAT would be gross!

It's hard to believe that we could be the cause of some of the 'unhappily' in our happily married life. Searching your own heart and your own thoughts may be a rude awakening.

I have to constantly check myself and especially my thoughts. Our negative thinking in life definitely spills over to our marriage.

  • Are you an optimistic person or do you find fault with everything and everyone?

  • Do you find the good in all situations?

  • Do you try to find good traits in others

  • Do you complain when it rains? Hmmm

  • Does your heart beat to the sound of music or mess

If you are a person that is never satisfied and constantly finding something to complain about, maybe it's time for a little heart surgery. Your marriage will not get better until YOU get better.

  • Check your thought

  • Check your actions

  • Check for any bitterness that may be lingering

  • Check for a complaining spirit

  • Check to see if you've given any compliments today. Hmmm


A little heart surgery is the perfect 'V' Day gift!

Love The Hell Out Of Your Spouse

I'm perfectly aware that everyone doesn't have a spouse who is easy to love. Hubby and I have been there.

Yesterday, I baked heart shaped Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, and attached a love note to them for hubby... just because. Hubby was very appreciative and even booked a dinner date for us this weekend. Wow! It hasn't always been like this, thus the reason for this site.

There have been times where we've been so selfish, stubborn, and stuck on ourselves that it didn't matter what the other did. Better yet, don't even attempt because I'm not interested!

Bitterness and wounded emotions from past hurts play a big part in showing and receiving love. Playing teenage games and stirring up jealousy and insecurities only hinders love. I didn't learn to love until I got married. Being in love takes no effort, but loving in hard times is laborious!

Love is work. Love is about meeting your spouse's needs and desires without looking for immediate returns. Love is being able to put your feelings on the line regardless of the outcome. Love is being an example of the love of God - a love none of us will ever perfect. Love is being humble and considering your spouse's needs before your own. Yes, love is work and it's more difficult when the spouse is acting like a butt unlovable.

Someone in the marriage must be the love initiator to get the marriage on track. There were times when hubby and I waited on each other to make a move like we were playing chess - not realizing precious time in our life and marriage were passing by.

Everyone has a need for love - everyone. If your spouse seems to be a grouch or just in an ugly mood or flat out doesn't want to be bothered, love the hell out of them! Continue to show love until the hell is chased away. I'm a believer that love conquers all - I'm a witness!

Get ready for the long haul and put on your thick skin because it won't be easy.
Do it in the name of love - do your part!

Why We Don't Celebrate Valentine's Day

I told hubby when we first got married that I didn't care for Valentine's Day.

Why wait for a calendar month to bring me roses or a box of candy? Are you telling me you can't think of these small expressions of love on your own or are you just going with the flow of society?

Well, I'm sorry. I'm not a go with the flow kinda girl and I kindly asked him not to bring me a single rose if he had not done so within the months prior.

Well, hubby did it. Valentine's Day morning, he went to the corner gas station and brought back a sorry looking teddy bear holding a rose - a fake rose. Remember now, this was at the corner gas station - something like Circle K. We were living in California, so probably a 7/11. I was so pissed upset that I immediately threw it in the trash.

You're probably thinking I'm an ungrateful witch because I didn't accept my husband's expression of love. Well, the act was pure guilt in my eyes and I didn't appreciate it, so I refused to settle for it. It was important for me to set the tone in our marriage early about this man-made holiday of so-called love.

It wasn't much later that I began receiving purple (my favorite color) and lavender colored roses every Friday. Hubby thought of this himself and I was a happy wife! My heart leaped with ecstatic joy every Friday!! Go hubby, go hubby!!

Of course the roses eventually faded out as the years went by and the children came, but it's a memory I'll always cherish. I think the last time I received one was last year. You can read about that special day at Hubby Headlines.

So, if hubby thinks for one second that he can get away with once a year flowers or a sorry looking teddy bear on 'V' Day, he's got the wrong wife ESPECIALLY since he has shown me better. I married the best, so why settle for less?

All this talk about love has me thinking. Today I think I'll bake hubby some yummy Oatmeal Raisin Cookies and hook him up with a special love gift BEFORE the big 'V' Day approaches.

Why don't you join me? You don't have to bake. Write a love letter or a small note of thanks. Prepare a special meal for your spouse or simply express your appreciation for them if you haven't done so in a while. We can all do better in this area, so why wait until you're nudged to show a little love? Show some today!

The Love Month

Uh oh...the love month is here. The big 'V' day - Valentine's Day.

Some of us look forward to it and some of us hate to see it coming.

This month, we'll be sharing our first Valentine's Day as a married couple and why we no longer celebrate the 'V' day as a couple, yet as a family. It was an ugly day!

We will also share Learning to Love - a series of events that taught us HOW to love one another and how showing love invites love.

Posts will be frequent, so sign up for the emailing list or subscribe to be notified of updates.

Those on the emailing lists will have a chance to win some special gifts of love from us.